I have absolutely no musical talent. This is not false modesty; in point of fact, the only way I could get anyone to listen to me practice, was a time when our two oldest children were still crawling and not able to escape the circular plastic gate I encompassed them in. I would play for them out of tune, sad country songs...
I tried to accept their quizzical perplexion as appreciation.
That just may be the summer that they learned to climb...
But Jake, he is a different story. He laughs when I sing and fools around howling right along beside me, as these tone deaf annunciations I try to pass off as music, escape my mouth. He plays along beside me, pretending I harbor not only an inkling of talent, but maybe a modicum of skill...
I don't.
I really am that bad; he just doesn't know it yet.
And that is the crux of my dilemma...
Jake shared as his thanksgivings gratitude, as his turn came around the table, that he was grateful for a dad who could teach him how to play the guitar...
He has been asking me for years to show him how to play, and a few weeks ago, I yanked down some old music books that had the chords diagramed with the lyrics; I demonstrated a few simple chords, as he fought to make them on his tiny guitar.
He would come home from school, finish his vision therapy, school homework and practice his trombone, then rush upstairs to practice his guitar.
For hours...
I went up and handed him mine, after I dusted it off again...
So...
I find three choices that all lack the wisdom that eludes me...
Do I do what he wants, teach him incorrectly, these things I know he will need to fight to unlearn in the future, as he develops more talent and interest?
Do I bow out gracefully and get him lessons from someone actually skilled and accomplished and able to teach him well?
I forgot the third choice, during this last paragraph.
Not sure I'm fond of this " getting old " thing..
So, of the two choices, which do I choose ?
Behind the wish, I know what he really wants. He wants to connect and share something personal of mine that most people in my life don't even know exists.
He thinks that he's found a secret treasure and doesn't yet know that it's only tin...
Maybe he does know that it's tin; he always has had a way of picking up things other people have thrown away and seeing them as a special kind of gold. Jakes vision has never been constrained by the worlds definition of worth; he always has had a sense inside of him that saw treasure where most would miss it...
I'm kind of missing it...
It's so easy to miss the treasure...
The truth is, he knows that I play terribly, he just doesn't care.
That scares me, a little ...
I'm not good at accepting unconditional love, let alone being loved for my incompetence...
That yanks me right out of my comfort zone by the short hairs.
I want to be loved and cared about for the strengths I bring to the table, not the inadequacies I fight to hide. I more often than I care to admit, would rather barter goods than be loved without balance, without measure or scale...
Like I said, I'm kind of missing it.
Not quite sure how I'm going to proceed with this...
Writing helps.
So do donuts...
A dad shouldn't struggle so hard with concepts like these.
It is a tin mans quandary...
