As I turned with an omelette filled plate toward the island in our kitchen that two of the boys were sitting at, my middle Bub started laughing and pointing at my shorts. It seems that when I awoke the night before, plagued with cement filled sinuses, I had dressed a little too quickly, without the benifit of light. I stumbled into the bathroom and finished the last dose of NyQuil,and groggily went down the fifteen steps to our living room.
Resting in the recliner and covered in a blanket, I coughed and snorted, doing my best to clear a minimal passage way for breath, and to bumble off to sleep...
It seems in my sickened and dozey state, that I had put my shorts on inside out.
"Look at the pockets sticking out like ears "! My youngest one screamed with glee.
"There inside out" #2 laughs aloud as my Wonderful Wife joins in the chorus " And backwards! Look at the tag in the front! His shorts are on inside out and backwards..."
Welcome to my mornings...
To be honest, that really didn't bother me. I've never been a slave to fashion. Most of the time Ive done stupid things on purpose, to get a laugh. It's just a bonus when it happens by accident...
We had a pretty great Thanksgiving. My brother and sister in law came from Vermont and joined all of us and my father. No great political or religious debates ensued and everyone seemed to enjoy the day and company. In my house, it generally does not get better than that...
It came to me that day, that counting blessings is like counting stars; once you commit to start, eventually the vastness forcibly overwhelms you...
Sometimes they seem faint and infinitely far away. Sometimes the best and brightest require us to change where we are gazing and adjust the latitudes and longitudes... But when our eyes eventually do lock on, it becomes blazingly evident....that is, if we truly want to look; truly want to see...
Some of the world and national events lately have broken my heart.
That would not have been the case a few years ago.. Maybe even one year ago...
But today, as I see our nation divided over actuall injustices and media induced ones, something inside of me twist and turns in a confused and uncomfortable convulsion. My soul seems to spasm from an ineptness to emotionally understand and comprehend...
It thirsts for truth, for the right way and the correct answer. I want to have an irrevocabe decision on right and wrong; a heavenly judgement that I can trust...
But I sit here, still waiting.
All I can see is melting hot mess created by loss and pain. Misteps and misunderstandings. I want to see right and wrong, not human frailty and inborn fault.
But like so often in this quizzical life, I find no answer in black or white.
The answer remains locked somewhere in between..
It remains indecipherable to me although the spirit inside me longs to know what I should believe and where I should stand...
So I stand at a loss, wanting justice, but not being able to define it. Wanting fairness, but absolutely clueless where to start...
All of the people I know, given the chance, would press the "easy button".
The button that would make everything equal and fair and just, across the board...
That is, if that could actually be accomplished. No slight of hand side show or snake oil salesmans pledge; true equality and brotherhood. If that could be guaranteed, I'm sure most people I know would agree to that...
Sadly, no easy button exists.
Like all things human, like all things spiritual, it comes down to the hardest and trickiest of mans source. It comes to our hearts...
My brain and heart wrestle quite regularly. My brain generally has no qualms about its direction or purpose. Precise, logical and military in its evaluations, it tries to out perform the hearts simple and feeble replies with an over abundance of logic. Overwhelm with volume and infinite repetition...
But the heart will not meekly leave the fight. It's still and small voice persistently chants what it KNOWS in its unfathomable depths...
They fight and turn, twist and pary...
Inside out and backwards again, just at a deeper level...
In my confusion, I pray. An answer comes about how God holds all kings hearts in His hands and can soften them, as He wishes and sees fit.
In His time, for His glory and His purposes..
And we are not kings....
But He does hold our hearts in His hands, softening and changing, as He sees fit.
It is such an easy trap for a well meaning Christian to fall in.
To believe we have infinite power over our own heart...
It seems so reasonable. But it is thru Grace we are Saved, thru Grace we are changed. Our will had always been an enemy of our God, until He graced us with the ability to hear of Him and the want of the Love and forgiveness he had to offer.
Without that, we would still be lost in the wilderness.
So once again, I reluctantly find that my part is not in strategizing or planning.
That alone proves Gods Grace and Wisdom...
As always, my part remains reasonably simple and adequately difficult...
To love God with all my heart...
To love my fellow man as Christ loves me...
To be a clean vessel and conduit, to bring His message to those who would hear;
and to those who will not...
To let my heart be softened and prepared, to be willing to change...
To be right side in and frontword, where it matters, in the heart...
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