Still a lot of fears in those areas.
A great course was offered entitled " Discipleship and Brotherhood."
I had a decent grasp on discipleship from a course thru our Church I had been attending. I fought it, but understood the theoretics. I'm usually good deciphering concepts...
Brotherhood was another thing.
It intimidated me. I could not recall a male relationship with the kind of intimacy they spoke, that kind of commitment and loyalty...my memory had grown short.
Fast forward one day...
My Wonderful Wife came down the stairs after we returned home from a Sunday at a friends home.
MaryAnne sounded scared and concerned. " Heather called and left a message to call her back. She didn't sound right.."
I called and Heather answered on the third ring. Within moments she told me her husband of 21 years and my best friend ( My Wonderful Wife is my best friend, but she never saw me like Jim did. She has heard the stories but never saw the true insanity of will power that I fought God with.)
My stomach dropped a few feet and emotions began to swell inside... How I hate it when emotions own and overpower my brain...
I comforted Heather as well as I could and told her I would pray for her. I told her that I loved her. She fell apart and said she would see me tomorrow, 1:00 p.m., at the graveside service.
I walked upstairs, held my Wonderful Wife and fell apart. Realizing her touch brought out these overwhelming emotions, I went in our room alone to get my composure. I lost it. I sobbed like a child but eventually my will power won out. I figured I had it down now and just needed to practice emotional vigilance to insure no more goopy outburst. I had it all figured out, all right...
Jim Harris was a down home, straight talking Vermont man who had lain too waste the first forty years of his life. He crawled into the rooms of A.A. with no family left and little hope.
He sat back listening, watching and studying everyone in those rooms. From the first days he questioned how we were bringing this message to the hopeless drunks who desperately needed it and questioned our dedication and half assed action. He knew almost nothing of the program he'd stepped into, but inherently saw the flaws the " old timers", those with multiple years of experience had, in passing on the gifts we were given.
I doubted he would last a month....
As days turned to weeks, I found him wherever I went for coffee after the meetings, no small talks, just deep philisophicle questions of how we connected those ideas to the practical mechanics of helping other drunks. I tried to get him to lighten up and you think I quoted blasphemy. In his eyes, I did.
Weeks became months. I would try to meet some lady friend for an intimate coffee at Freindlies and Jim would walk in, climb into our booth and hammers us both with his incessant questions...
I began to realize that this was not going to stop. He had dug his heels into this program and nothing short of a nuclear detonation would dislodge him. That was a great thing. He then informed me I would be his sponsor and that we would be spending a lot more time together....
There would not be time for coffees with eligible ladies for me anytime in the near future.
My only choice was to dive as deeply as he and hope that the experience I had acquired along the way would enable me to find the answers he needed a little before he asked.
We became inseparable. All pretense dropped and we both knew the deepest, darkest and dirtiest secrets of both our lives. He grew by leaps and bounds as did I.
He never knew he was the catalyst in that.
Years later I stepped into a battle of wills with God. He removed one too many things, once too often. Philosophical went out the window and I drew a line in the sand.....
Jim watched with a mixture of horror and disbelief. He told me countless times " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is based on the idea that some things WILL kill you"
He watched me dig my heels into complete defiance. Slowly, God removed every single thing I deemed necessary. He was waiting for an apology and repentance, but willing to hold His line, If needed.
I would self destruct or be broken...
Jim watched this all, up close and personal. He was far out of his depths but refused to retreat.
He set people up around me, almost around the clock and when all they could do was ineffective, he set up professional help.
A month later, when I returned he looked into my eyes and knew that although the battle no longer raged there was nothing left inside. Whoever had been fighting was gone and all that was left was an empty shell. My soul had been labotomized.
Not by the Doctors or counselors or medications. The battle had broken all that I was.
I moved shortly after. I had no hope left, but somehow Jim did.
Some smoldering piece of ash gently and delicately began burning again inside of me . Peices of who I was formed again slowly, differently. A small glint came back in my eyes..
Jim remained a fixture for years. He met and approved my Wonderful Wife ( how could he not?) and met my children. He and Heather were in our wedding and visited our house. He was not able to travel and downsized to a one bedroom apartment with his wife.
I called him on my A.A. anniversary to thank him. I would have died sober twenty years ago, a bullet in my brain, if not for him....
Ten people, excluding the funeral home employees attended the graveside service. Per his wishes, no obituary or notice was given. Not even to his siblings. One daughter was there out of three.
He did not want a big service. His Love and his friends. I was blessed to be one of them.
He would hold up one hand and say if in the end, you have this many real friends, you are blessed more than most. I was sad that this man who touched thousands had such a quaint and quiet burial.
But that was my friend Jim....those were his wishes.
I tried to say something meaningful at the grave , but i just fell apart.
My wife was sitting next to Heather so I can't blame that one on her....
Heather invited us to their apartment after the burial. It was a long drive and we all decompressed a bit. Befor we left, I took three pictures out of my wallet, my children's school photos.
" These are Jim's legacy. These amazing children would never have been born, if not for him."
That was all I could get to come out.
Brotherhood?
I think I get it.
The funny thing is, during our last conversation Jim jumped on the A.A. Bandwagon again. " How are these new guys going to get better and learn how to work this program, learn how to teach these steps to the next generation, if all these people with twenty some years just get well and leave?!? It doesn't say that in the book! You've got to give it away to keep it. We had people there to guide us.
What about these guys? Somebody has to do something, somebody has to show up!"
These were the kinds of questions he had always asked. He knew his time was short and that with his health, it couldn't be him.
I'm still working on my answer...
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