Investments...

            I came thru the door about a week ago, as my Wonderful Wife was prepping dinner. After sneaking a kiss and listening to the Cliff Notes version of her day, I grabbed my water bottle and sat at our kitchen island, relaxing.

        She turned back toward the counter, resuming her chopping.

              A pile of mail was on my right.  I noticed an envelope from my pension/401K and opened it up. I was surprised how it had grown in eleven years.

        Not a lot of money, in today's market, but much more than we have ever had before.

               Of course, it was all timing. I doubt it is anywhere close to that today and most likely will drop as the economy tanks again. A blip does not equal real value. In the end, the actual worth of any investment will only be known when it becomes time to start the withdrawal....

                                   My mind began to wander, as it usually does, awaiting food..

                         Other less tangible accounts began crowding my mind. 

                                                   Children...Wonderful Wife..

                                                              Church...

                                                                 ...God

                                                   How are they all fairing in this lost world, that hides more possible bankrupting dangers than any fragile economy?!?

                                               My Pastors teach often about treasures in Heaven. Our time, our worldly  riches, where are they placed NOW? The emphasis on NOW is theirs. Many sermons have stressed that very thing- how well we love by sacrificial action, preferring others over our own wants and comforts...How does that account, my account, stand?

                                                         Not well, I'm afraid.

                                    When opportunity peeks its little head up high enough for me to notice, we do give to our means, and sometimes, very rarely, beyond. It seems more often, that we are simply trying to keep our own heads above water, trying to avoid drowning ourselves in our luxurious, first world problems..

                        We are blessed by an unnoticed abundance and sometimes it takes a supreme effort to realize how simple it really is, to give more than we think we can afford, and trust in Gods daily grace that what is left, is...enough... Fearful stewards, fighting the worldly battle of economics and doubt.

                        My account? Fewer deposits than I would like to admit. Nowhere matching what I have been apportioned. More like the man who buried his masters coins than the old lady who freely gave the two small ones, that were all she had.

                        But we do notice. We do try. Somedays, we do act...

                          As with most, as with all, I leave this in Gods judgement.

                                  Where it truly belongs...

                                                         

                                                     Church...

                                          That is a difficult question.

                            Mare and I have been attending our Church for over thirteen years. We made our marriage covenant there, have dedicated our three boys there, and they all chose to be Baptised there by the amazingly loving and self proclaimed silly Pastor, who married us. His prayers probably made all their births happen, in such a tiny time span and he may have actually prayed them into possibility...

              But as a member, how do I truly stack up, by Biblical standards?                     

                                        How do I fair on that account?

                                    Sometimes it seems very hard to tell...

                             I try to be involved, but effort is no substitute for results. There are so many easy excuses... We live to far away. I can't afford the gas. I work long, sometimes unpredictable shifts...

                                             I could go on ad nauseum...

                                 But the simple truth is, while there is truth in all these excuses, the biggest reason probably has more to do with the fact, that what I have to offer, they don't need...

                        I've tried a time or two and offered the experience, strength and hope God has given me from the battles He won for me daily, from booze and addiction.

           Our Church is amazing in its outreach. It is deeply involved in missions and, extremely faithful in its following the Great Commision. I could not do justice to its dedication, action and sacrifice in getting the Gospel out and physical needs met to the thousands of people receiving their blessings..

         But what I have to offer is not needed by them. Not yet. Not now...

                   So I attend more than belong. I hope someday, to find my place, wherever that place may be. Until then, I will attend and pray for direction and conviction.

              With this, also, I leave it in Gods judgement. Where it belongs...

                                                   

                                              Wonderful Wife?.?. Children ?.?.

                                               What is my balance there?

                                         I'm not sure, but I think she's happy. I hope so...

                                             In her and them I invest all that is left...

                                        I probably invest more in them than in my Church,

                                               or in my God...

                      I know that's the wrong answer, but any other statement would be an outright lie.

                              So my balance sheet is decidedly..unbalanced...

                                      What I do know, is that everyday I try to deposit at least a little bit in all of these accounts. It is never very much...

                        I think about my paycheck and how little money i have put in the contribution box for the 401K. How It looks pretty decent, now..   

                                        I am sure about one thing....

         Our God does not do "company matching". His deposit is infinitely greater than that.

         Paid in full. No worries about inflation or depreciation. No market falls, no bear markets.

             No impossible chase for compound interest. No executives stealing life savings....

                            My meager contribution is invisible beside His Glory...

                                   My deficits, although scarlet, are covered by the Blood of Christ and in that, become forgiven, then invisible also...

                                So for today, I will leave all these accounts in the hands they belong.

                                As with most, as with all, I leave them all to Gods judgements.

                                                     Where it truly belongs...

                 

                                    

Marriage...

                      A strange article caught my eye the other day. A wedding photographer decided to contact over a hundred of the couples he had photographed and see how they ended up. 

             He started interviewing them both as couples and singlely. The findings that came from the interviews were somewhat disturbing...

               It seems, from his fairly limited focus group, most of the people who had stayed married were not that ecstatic about it. Many laughed when asked if they had married their soulmate.

                                              None had said they had...

                                   That disturbed me. 

                                  I mentally perused the memories I have of the couples my Wonderful Wife and I know and have hung out with. I thought about how they acted around each other, how comfortable, content and actually happy they seemed. 

         Generally, I am a fairly dark sceptic, when it comes to human nature. I watch the news or read newspaper articles and always look for the " hook"; never the believer in coincidence.

               Conspiracy theories are my bend, when it comes to life and human events.

                       Funny thing is, that all goes out the window when it comes to how I see marriage...

                              

                           True to my inherent nature, I am still incredibly sceptical. My sceptisism is focused predominantly now, on that article...

                                  My Wonderful Wife and I still are practically newly- weds. 

                                             Married thirteen years...

                                       So I asked her. I described the article I had read earlier in the day and watched her face and studied her body language as she responded.( she is very pretty, so that is very easy to do)

                                         Now, my Wonderful Wife is one of the most trusting people I know. She tends to see the best in everyone and is the first to give benefit of the doubt... Probably because of her inherent honesty and kindness, she has a hard time picturing deceit and deception...

                              But she was sceptical, also...

                                I am sure there are many unhappy marriages out there. I happened to be raised in one. I'm also sure a lot of people choose this union for all the wrong reasons, or maybe just for none of the right ones... So I am not completely Pollyanna on this subject.

                                    I am also positive that there are just as many good unions out there, covenants of honor and gentleness and love. There are couples who not only enjoy each others company, but actually wither without it.

                                 I know this because I have witnessed it. I have sat across picnic tables and Church seats with them. I have seen the true joy of people who not only are happy they are married to each other but openly and proudly say that that they did marry their soul mate...

                                          That they still are soul mates...

                                          And I am one of them...

                                Recently, Mare and I were talking about the phrase " Marriage is hard". 

                  She thought about it for a second, then said that she didn't think it was.

                       Now I had never really pondered it. Coming home to my Wonderful Wife and kids is always the best part of my day. Sometimes it's tiring, walking thru the door to a plugged toilet or a freezer that is 28 degrees and needs defrosting. Those are moments I could probably live without.

      Tiring, yes. Hard?  I'm not so sure...

            The more I think about it, this Marriage I'm in is more of a refuge from the hardness of the world we live in, than hard itself.

               I spent the majority of my life alone. At the end of the day, I walked into an empty apartment and whatever the crap du-jour going on in my life was, it was all mine. Friends helped, but it was my load..

                        I have not been alone for a long time. Problems? Sure. But it has been a very long time since I had to carry a problem alone.

                             All syrup aside, the joys of life really do double, when shared.

                                 So I do not buy that article. At least not his " percentages".

                                   Maybe, in the end, I am a closet optimist.

                                               I don't know for sure.

                                   I do know that I am the happiest I have ever been...

                                      ...and that I got my soulmate to marry me.

Firstborn

        Today is my eldest boys birthday. Nick is twelve years old today. 

                         Twelve years old.....

                Twelve years ago, at 6:00 a.m., my Wonderful Wife and I walked into St. Peters hospital and headed to the delivery room. 

        Actually, we went to have the birth induced. Neither of us knew if a boy or girl was coming and neither of us really cared. You always hear parents say that they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as its healthy, but until you are the one standing there, I don't think most actually believe that...but when the moment of truth comes, and all those "possible's", the unspeakable fears start filling all corners, edges and center of your mind, the terror makes that statement an unquestioned reality.

              I swore I would never be present at the birth of my child. 

       I was single then, of course, and had watched a few too many episodes of " Married with Children"...

                            Never thought that was possible, either.

      It was not going to happen. Birth was a woman thing. I would be outside the delivery room, laughing and joking, while passing out some pretty awesome cigars. Men were not designed to actually witness something like that. Nope. It would not happen. My resolve, resolute...

          But I was not going to have children either. That would involve the concept and pending reality of actually growing up. Great in theory, for the million or so other men out there.

          Funny how all that stuff dissipates when you fall in love...

              One moment, all those treasured illusions are immutable facts. The next moment, you are staring into a pair of of amazingly gentle and beautiful brown eyes and can't even picture the possibility of not being present when your child arrives...

                                       The " You" becomes the " We".

                   This defies all logic. I am not a doctor and never have  played one on T.V.

                      As was demonstrated in birth # 2, if something goes wrong, there is absolutely nothing that I can do to fix it. Complete and utter powerlessness. 

                           But you stand in that room, anyway...

                               You hold a shaking, pale hand while repeating a hundred year old litany that everything will be all right. Every prayer you have ever heard is in your head, fighting the images from the thousand episodes your Wonderful Wife HAD to watch, from shows like "When birth goes incredibly wrong" and " Delivery Nightmares" on the Lifetime channel...

                                 You pretend your not terrified. 

                                She pretends she's not terrified.

                      Enough goes wrong to scare the hell out of you both, but the big things go right, and eventually an amazing little baby is withering his way out.

                                  There is no stopping him, now...

                       You watch the baby pop out with a LOT of other stuff...

                              Instead of being grossed out, you see this tiny human being...

                                Your eyes frantically try to inspect all the little fingers and toes while concurrently trying to see if it is a boy.. or a girl..

                      The nurse gets it wrong and you wonder how she ever ended up delivering your baby...

                           They said nothing would ever be the same, but they failed to add the word " remotely"...

                             So now it is twelve years later.

                     This ultrasound-newborn-infant-baby-toddler-preschooler-elementary/middle schooler stands before you a young...man?

                 Those twelve years flash thru your mind like a Rolodex/ photo slide show, as you try to pinpoint the exact moment, this moment, happened..

                         He is not a child anymore...

                                  I think about God a lot, these days.

              Thoughts of gratitude, thoughts of grace.

                    One thought pushes out all others. The thought of Him sending his only Son, Jesus, to die a horrendous substitutionary death for all of us.

               I was in the military and swore an oath to sacrifice my own life, if required.

                  That was not a big deal. I still would, if called.

                 But weeks/ months before Nick was born, my Wonderful Wife and I had the "conversation".

                      What we would do if it were a choice between the baby or her..

                       That is a terrible conversation to have. Necessary, but terrible.

                        I promised this amazing lady I love with all my soul that I would choose...the baby.

                          Both of us were holding back tears and swallowing down magically recurrent lumps in our throats. We prayed with all our hearts that this would never need transpire, but we faced the possibility, eyes wide open.

       I wondered if I could have followed thru on that, but one look in my Wonderful Wife's eyes showed that she would never be able to bear my making any other choice, could probably never look at me again or forgive me for choosing differently..

               I would follow her wishes. If necessary, I would sacrifice my Wife for our child...

                  I hope she would choose the same, with me..

                    We watched "The Passion of The Christ" many years ago. There is a scene were Jesus stumbles carrying the cross. Mary sees Him fall and flashes back to a memory of him falling as a child. His hair was curly, just like Nicks was, at the time. I watched that scene and thought of my son.

                                                              No way.

                              Not for anyone. No question. Not for the entire world.

                                   God loved us so much that he sacrificed the Son that he loved as much ( if not more ) than I love my son, for people who hated and despised Him...

                         I cannot come close to comprehending a love like that...

                                 I can barely comprehend that in one year, I will have a teenager!

                                    We have been so blessed. 

                               I love you Nicholas! Hope your Birthday is awesome.