Monday, December 14, 2015

My best draft...

                                      Every now and then, I open my blog and read through some of what I've written in the past few years. A few of the posts written make me smile, while the rest usually bring less of a reaction. I take a breath, clear my throat and begin reading some of the ones with the greyed out word " draft" next to them...
                                    Most were ideas and starts that just did not work out. Some became material for later posts, after more thought or new experiences gave a different perspective to my vision.
                                         At the end, my finger hesitates over one in particular. I spent five days and nights writing it, reading it and being lost in a very long ago past...
            It is by far the longest post I have ever written; in truth it is a combination of two separate stories written in the span of those five days, and in the end I tied them together, as they should be...
                                          My Wonderful Wife knew the turmoil going on inside her husband and our 3 McMonkeys stepped quietly around me, wondering silently about the far off looks and the glaze in my eyes. Great kids they are, having somehow sensed, I think, that I was in a place they could not go and could not explain to them. They would stop for hugs momentarily and watch , as I erased and rewrote a hundred times, things I had just written, of which I had no idea how to say...
                                                               I finished it.
                                   I read it and reread it a half dozen more times, then handed it to the Wonderful Wife.
                                                        One other person read it...
                                                                   
                                                         It will never be published.
                                         Nothing bad in it, just some personal history and confusions from a very different time. I hope someday that my kids will get the chance to eventually read it, though.
                                                One hell of a cautionary tale...
                                         I made a peace the day it was finished; an uneasy one that required self forgiveness and a gentleness that I never felt OK receiving before.
                                           I still fight it sometimes...
                                                     It is perpetually stuck with the other " drafts" written, obscured by sheer volume of unfinished works...
                        Except that one is finished,  and should probably be read as my eulogy ...
                                                  But like the rest of my life, a life I love in its entirety, the whole deal, in the end, is simply draft...
                                                             Best draft ever...
                                         
                                          

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