I'm speaking figuratively here, not meteorologically, by the way.
So, I'm sitting gently back in our old recliner this evening and letting the feelings of the last 365 just engulf me like a babies swaddling blanket, not concentrating as much on the actual events, but resting pleasantly in the warming aura of it all...
Feeling the whipping crystals of ice and snow from last years tubing excursion with the Wonderful Wife and trailing McMonkeys, listening to the exaggerated screams of my youngest, down the biggest hill...
Hearing the cresting waves coming in and thundering as they break on the sand filled shore, whoops of glee from my kids being pulled in with the water, as it returned to the ocean, clutching them momentarily, then releasing all but the fabric of their swim trunks; laughing as they struggle with one hand behind their backs, holding the elastic waistband with all that they have, while simultaneously climbing past the inrushes unstoppable movement back to it's source...
Rushing wind and terrified screams coming from myself, free falling what felt like thousands of feet but in reality was only one hundred or so, on the bungee jump thing, at The Great Escape, on my fiftieth birthday... I hear the words of pure unfiltered terror leaving my mouth, words that look like &$@:(, in the comics....
I hear the snores in a sleeping bag next to mine, when Jake and I slept out in our tent, in the yard, this summer. I smell the scent of burnt powder and see the look of pride and maturity as my eldest completed his hunter safety course. He is not a hunter and probably never will be one, and is one of the gentlest souls I have met in my half century of life experience....
But I remember his smile, on completion; knowing that I trusted him enough to learn safe practices and that I am willing to walk with him forward, to an impending adulthood....
I remember the constant squabbles in our car about who got to sit where for how long and the ever present " He breathed on/ leaned on/ touched/ sang at or farted on, me"...
I feel the warmth beside me as I wake on work days, before the alarm, knowing my Lovely and Wonderful Wife lies dozing across the bed. I whisper " I love you honey, have a great day" as I tip toe out the room... Every work day...
I whisper it to my boys, in the hall, on my way down toward the stairs, head turned toward the directions of my kids rooms. They will never hear it, but I do. I want to be certain that I say those words before I leave, believing at some level they will all feel the emotions that are behind the unheard whispers...
I still get haunted by sermons spoken at our Church, many months and often years past; Challenges that I'm just not up to yet, in my spiritual immaturity , and convictions I have been given, surrounded mostly by my earthly failures...
And I recall comfort found in practically all of those sermons, somewhere tucked into the points of contact is a message that it is not our works that we are loved for...
And I find the nights of three hour videos exploring so much of what I never knew before, about Gods Word becomes a highlight of my week...
I remember moments in the hospital, the smell of sanitizer and the feel of uncomfortable folding chairs, hearing words that both terrified me and broke my heart. I hear myself screaming at my kids to shut up, that I was losing it, watching my mother apparently dying..
I remember the feeling of complete failure and utter parental incompetence for being so weak and so afraid that I would speak like that, to the kids I love...
And the feel of the tears, both mine and theirs, as I apologized for a memory that goes toward the top of the list, of that daddy debit list. I still see the look of incredulity in my Wonderful Wife's eyes as I refused her hugs, broke free and emotionally hid like an injured animal. Debits in the hubby debit list added, too...
I remember relief as my mom got better. Not well, but better...
I feel the hugs almost every night, of my three sons.
I have memorized the sound of their joy as they plan jaunts to friends houses or friends coming here. I watch in pride as my Wonderful Wife dives into something her heart is so dedicated to, and find myself envying that feeling of belonging...
I struggle with struggling to get that " belonging thing" down. Most days I bounce between feeling like a social eunuch or a cautionary tale pariah...
I forget sometimes that all I am is just another child of a Loving God.
My feelings, my perceptions, really don't matter...
I look around our living room, the Christmas tree down and decorations put away for another year, a new year. I feel the warmth left over from a family movie night, and think of my kids, my McMonkeys, growing into good men. Through all the failures I'm able to glimpse the Work of an Amazing God that either " fills in the gaps" I leave like canyons, or more often than not, uses those gaps to make these children better by them, in His Love...
But most of what I feel is gratitude and awe.
Graced in so much this year, this decade, this lifetime, this eternity....
Many earthly challenges are waiting for me on the other side, after that big ball drops.
That probably fits us all.
What I need to remember is they are all earthly challenges.
And that the solutions to them all are in our Loving Fathers hands, Who is not limited one bit, by earthly constraints...
Happy New Year...
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