As the spiritual funk left..

       I prayed a lot during my spiritual funk. I prayed, meditated and seriously considered fasting. 

             Thankfully, God started pulling me out of it before things became that drastic.

                It is remarkable that an outlook and attitude can change as quickly as it does sometimes.

                   This was not a quick change rated on my timeline, but in a reasonable persons view, it certainly could be considered so. As I kept asking my God questions in regard to my spiritual growth,  thoughts kept going thru my mind as feelings went thru my heart...

                   

                         " Have you done the things God has been guiding you to do?"

                                                                  No.

                                                               Silence.

                                          " Think there may be a correlation here?"

                                                                Maybe.

                                      "Been ignoring these particular convictions long?" 

                                                               Decades

                                                      " Been stuck a while?"

                                                  Longer than I care to admit.

                                                       "Are you tired yet?"

                                                                   Yep.

                                                           "Tired enough?"

                                                             Getting there...

                         

                                  Sadly, this is not a new conversation in my mind. It has been going on since a few years after i was initially Saved. As most of you allready know, there were some crazy years post Salvation, dealing with emotional residuals that God, for His own reasons,chose not to remove at the time. He had me work thru these and a lot of other "collateral damages" I had caused that needed repair with family and friends.

                                  With much of the wreckage of my past behind me, I was able to relax and breath a bit. I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, praying and listening. I felt a gentle nudge inside but chose to ignore it. Time passed and life went on. Gentle nudging became more pronounced as I began to realize that maybe I should head in the direction I felt pushed.

                                                              But I didn't....

                                               

                                           Have you ever felt convicted to go in a certain direction that makes absolutely no earthly sense? Something that goes against your temperament, talent, financial feasibility and all personal skill-sets? Where every conceivable logical argument is firmly on the opposite side?

                              Have you ever, after arguing every single one of these points for consecutive decades, realized that the conviction was still present and would continue to haunt you until

 you gave in and followed it? 

                                           It is not a good space to occupy.

                            My Wonderful Wife seems to think my arguments are flawed. She has a Faith in things like convictions and feels if pushed in a direction by God, you may as well just go with it.

                         I explain the unreasonableness of it all, the impossibility and futility...

                             ...not to mention the fact it is something I really don't want to do...

                                   I suppose that really is the biggest part of it all. I want to build things, machines and robots, write servo programs and put together 3d printers and scanners. This is the stuff that I wish to do. My life is presently situated so these things are happening. I am doing all these things I've wanted to do for the longest time. I am comfortable...

                        Like a Hobbit, I adore comfort. I dread leaving my comfort zone.

                            So, I can choose to move forward as I have done the last twenty years, free will and all. I just have to be willing to accept the consequences. I doubt God will love me any less for the road I choose, even if it is not the one I'm nudged toward. He will ask, though, when I stand before him why I ignored his direction. He will insure I know, in no uncertain terms, that all arguments I made were earthly and irrelevant to His will and power and that He knew all along that i knew better. I will be made painfully aware that all that he really wanted was for me to put my feet where he wanted them and results were never in my power or responsibility.

             He just wants me to have enough Faith to place my feet a few steps forward.

                  Somewhere inside all of this insanity I have hesitantly begun to attempt moving my feet, a tiny bit..

                                         Maybe I'm finally getting tired enough.

                     

                               

                                   

                                                         

                                               

Questions....

        

                                       

                                                             My secret...

                                          ...is my greatest haunting question...

                                              It is about God and The Holy Bible.

                                  I do not question the Bibles authenticity or validity. Quite the contrary, I believe It's every word.

              But something haunts my inside. The question of all questions, the one I am terrified to ask.

                               

                               Is God bigger and greater than the Bible?

                                                

                                                 How could he not be?

                                   Is He Himself limited in power and scope by the very words he gave us to know who He is?

       It is a dangerous question and nearly impossible to legitimately answer all the questions that inevitably follow it. 

                I think about the Pharisees who devoutly followed Gods laws.

   The Words didn't change, but the outlook on those Words did, when Jesus came. Without changing a dot or a tiddle, He toppled how those still same words were seen...

   To be fair, The New Testament was added. Salvation and the Holy Spirit kind of changed everything....

      The heart became the greatest judgement and law was still law. It just was not paramount anymore, as Jesus freed us from it, and it became more a common sence guide to people who were freed from its bondage.

   I think of us today, so sure in our interpretations, being smarter, purer and with 2000 years of historical perspective those before us lacked.

      So the question that now begs being asked, is it even remotely possible that exact same situation could happen again?!?

        

             Could we find out, that in our arrogance and hubris, that we too are missing a perspective that only God has, and has not yet chosen to share or enlighten us with, yet?

      Could it not yet be His time for that day, today?

      Could the words be there, still unchanged, but not perceived by us yet?

                                                         I don't know.

                                It happened to those smarter than us, experts in the Words, in the past.

                                Does the Holy Spirit make this question mute?

                                          I really don't know. My leanings change at times.

                         As I said, I do not doubt the Words. I sometimes question our ability to adequately decipher them and if, at this time, we have all the information and perspective that God does?

                                                         How could we?

                    Is it possible He will share a soul changing perception of His never changing words later, still not adding a dot or tiddle, but just a different point of view?

                            Can you answer this with any certainty?

                    Is it possible that The infinite, loving, unchanging God is greater than the 774746 Words He inspired to be written?

                                            This is my secret, haunting question...

               I should probably stop thinking and start watching re-runs of " Gilligan's Island"...

Valentines Day on the dark side of forty..

        We had it all planned out for this Valentines Day. Childcare at the Church...well I guess that was all that was actually planned. We had no clue where we would eat or what movie we would watch. We were going out alone though, no kids, just me and my lovely honey.                                   

                                              Then the snow arrived.   

           I came home Friday at four thirty from work to twelve inches of snow in the driveway. My Wonderful Wife and kids already had shoveled the walkway, porch and deck. I snuck the roses and card into the kitchen then headed to the garage and fired up the snowblower.

       To be fair, I had it much easier. My snowblower rocks! It took a little over an hour to finish the driveway and the sidewalk around our property, including the three foot snow banks left by the plow, that blocked the drive. As I brought the snowblower( that rocks!) back to the garage, my Wonderful Wife met me at the door and said if I was to tired, we could stay home, eat Chinese and watch a movie with the kids. I noticed tiredness behind her beautiful brown eyes and the tell tale stiff posture of someone who shoveled entirely too much snow. I looked at the woman I loved and realized I really would love to spend our Valentines night like that. I was tired also, after working a ten hour day and clearing a bunch of snow. I fell asleep in the middle of the movie and went to bed before the credits ended.      Welcome to the dark side of forty...

         Don't get me wrong. I cherish time alone with my amazing better half. It is a commodity now with three kids, aged eleven to eight. A night out with her dressed to the nines, with romance in her eyes is a wonderful thing. The funny part is, she does not need any of that to look beautiful. I watch her scamper down the stairs, no make up, pony tail and wearing workout clothes, running late to her Challenge by Choice sessions and think to myself " She really looks hot!" Really.

      Maybe it helps her feel beautiful. Either way, it is win-win for me...

            I never figured to be one of those couples who shrug at Valentines day. It just happened. I'm not saying its a bad thing but I do believe most couples married longer than four or five years understands it. I think all couples with children get it.

                   You learn with kids, to choose your battles. You learn with your spouse to choose your magic moments. Sometimes they don't coincide with Hallmark and Giardellies calendars.

                          In fact, usually they don't.

            So you learn to steal kisses in the kitchen between fixing children's breakfasts.

      Sometimes you move the kids to the recliners and snuggle together on the couch.

              You send them to bed early so they will be sound asleep by ten o'clock...

                     With children, passion doesn't die, it just hibernates a little while...

                         On a Valentines day like yesterday, at our age, you are more than likely to crank the heat on the fireplace up instead of lighting romantic candles and to take turns rubbing Ben Gay on each others weary backs instead of fragrant massage oils...

                                Once again, welcome too the dark side of forty...

                   I am not complaining. I would not trade my life for anything. We had our season together without distractions or children tugging at our feet. It was an amazing season.

       Let me tell you one secret. This is an amazing season too..

            I would be absolutely lost without my Wonderful Wife and kids. They are by far the best part of any day. It won't be long until the children are adults and the responsibilities that drain us will be happy but far off memories. We will have a lot of time then to maybe revisit that distraction free season, albeit slightly older. I love this season though...

      ...and I look forward to any season, with my Wonderful Wife...

           

Robin Meade and G.M.A.

  Generally, I don't get upset when celebrities die from drug overdoses or car crashes. Except for Harry Chapin in the early 70s and John Lennon in 1980, I doubt I've ever more than given a passing notice when these things happen. What upset me most about John Lennon's death was the fact that he had finally found peace in his life as a stay at home dad and it was evident in his music. In one moment that all changed.It was a tragedy and a waste when he was shot outside his apartment in N.Y.C. thru no fault of his own.

       When Phillip Seymour Hoffman was found dead from a heroin overdose inside his apartment, I barely registered it. One more rich, spoiled celebrity messing their lives up, like Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes. Self centered and stupid...

         Usually, in real life, I have a much deeper reaction to overdoses and suicides. A part of my soul aches when I hear of these situations. They become very personal to me. As a reformed drunk and druggie, I know the pains that they have felt and i have walked the same roads that led them to their final destination.

        This morning began like most of my day-off mornings, flipping channels between Robin Meade and  "Good Morning America". Somewhere between them was an interview with Hoffman, speaking about being a dad and how having children changes everything. How it changes things for the better.

   On another channel was a report on how he had started using drugs at a young age and began recovery in his early twenties. They spoke more about his having twenty three years clean and sober before relapsing a year or so ago. He had been with the woman that he loved for fourteen years, until recently. His children were five, seven and eleven years old...

           It became eerie. It became very eerie, very fast, for me..

              I started using booze and drugs very early on and began recovery in my early twenties.

  I have a woman that i love and recently we celebrated our twelfth year wedding anniversary, last September. Our children are eight, ten and eleven. I celebrated twenty five years clean and sober last March...

                             It suddenly became more personal and a little bit scary.

                     What makes someone choose to pick up again after such a long time? Why does someone do something that they know deep down in their soul will destroy them and devastate all the people who love them?

                            Why does this disease have such a long and tenacious shelf life?

                                              Are we ever really "Safe" ?

                            I know the answers to all these questions. I have been around this rodeo long enough to have faced them all countless times...

                     We are never "safe". Period. At best, it is a daily reprieve from addiction hell based mostly on our spiritual condition. I say "mostly" because many times God will keep us clean in spite of our own self powered craziness. He will Grace us at our weakest and guide us as we lean on him, until we finally realize what we think is our own strength keeping us sober has nothing to do with us. It is all Him. It is all His...

               The diseases strength is as tenacious and timeless as our own self centeredness and self will.

                                Now to the hardest one of all these questions..

              Why would anyone choose to go back into a lifestyle that will destroy all they love?

                                         

                                                      Because they do...

    

                        I never said it was a good answer. It is a true one, though..

                We will never know the " Why's" of this. Only God does and He's not talking.

                    My sponsor always warned me to beware the insanity that precedes the first drink. That is the closest I have ever been to the whole "why" of it, really. 

                 So, why am I still clean and sober while others aren't ? 

                       The Grace of God.

                 I don't know the "why" of that one, either.....

                            I know I am grateful. I know that I am blessed and I know that tommorow is never guaranteed...

           So today I pray for all those children who will never hear their daddy say "I love you" one more time.

I pray for the moms who will never be able to answer these questions well enough for her children because no answers can ever be good enough.

     I pray a prayer of thanks that this day I was able to live free of the misery that full blown addiction brings and I quietly ask The Lord please that it will be in His plan that I am sober tommorow.

  I pray this for all of us with the same affliction.

                                                                   Amen.

            

            

Spiritual funk...

     Mark Twain started Huckleberry Finn with the words " Anyone attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted, anyone searching for a moral will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot".

       I'm thinking I should somehow set my own warning tonight. This post will not be in anyway inspirational or have any hint of redeeming quality. No actual Christian ramblings will be found.

              I am lodged head first into a spiritual funk and don't even know if I want to leave...

                    That is the truest, most straightforward warning I can give.

                   Being a Christian has always been a struggle for me, from the first moment I was saved nearly a quarter of a century ago up too and including this present moment. I state how long I've been saved not for credit, but for context.

                    Don't get me wrong. I follow the Ten Commandments fairly well. In point of fact, the Ten Commandments don't give me any real problems, as originally written, as originanaly interpretted.

        I really want to feel good about that, and if I were Jewish, that would be appropriate.

           It's the new standards that Jesus brought that are kicking my big old butt...

                I will get into that a little bit later. Don't worry, there's no giant Scarlett letter or murder confessions coming, just constant( seemingly, not neccasarilly actually) fighting with the spirit that I am supposed to have... Like I said, I'll get back to that later...

                    Right now, let's start with how I choreographed this wonderful funk.

                     It started with a simple, stupid and easily dodged resentment that I allowed to bloom, fester and grow. Our Church has been doing Men's Ministry studies for...ever, I guess, and I took part in the last three. They were great and I started building some pretty good relationships with the men in our Church thru them. This time, I put my panties in a wad over how the groups were chosen..

       I could have pretended to be an adult and mentioned my dislike in a respectful way or simply questioned why they chose the way they did. Pay attention here because this is me planting the funks seed. I said nothing. I didn't join this year although most of my friends did and I made silly excuses for not going. The crazy thing is, halfway thru the series this time I remembered they had chosen groups the EXACT same way a year or so ago and I had absolutely no problem with it then and it actually worked out great for me. In that series I progressed further with friendships than all the ones before.

           So I knew I was petty and wrong. That didn't matter, I had watering to do.

                A month ago or so they did a Men Advance. Most of the men in our Church got together on a Saturday ( that I had off ) to bond and help each other to be better Christians, husbands and fathers.

    By then my " uniqueness" started sprouting. I began questioning if I really belonged with them. Feelings of inadequacy blossomed and I became intimidated by their level of commitment.

       I started thinking that maybe being the guy in the back chair that no one really knows might be best for everyone. I'll show up, listen and my Wonderful Wife and kids will build their connections.

  I'd stay on the outside, because,  you know, I really have this under control now...

        Somewhere during all this, in the last few months, we have had many of our Church elders pass away. Our Church has been going thru a long season of grief and it has been uniting them in their sorrow and happiness for the ones they loved going to see Jesus. I have been going to our Church for nearly fourteen years and I never knew these men. None of them had ever introduced themselves to me in all that time. It made me wonder why these pillars of our Church never spoke to me. In my self centered state, what pulled everyone else together had me doubting my belonging.

           I love and adore my kids. The imprint of how short a time I really have WITH them while they still want to be with me is always present in my soul. I know how short a window that it really is. I promised myself long ago not to let a single opportunity pass to be with them, having fun.

              Our Church has a " lock in" at the YMCA every year, where the kids stay up all night swimming ,playing dodgeball, basketball and racing in a giant bouncy house. I have been at the last three or four with them and was able to hang with friends I'd made. It is an amazing blast and i nearly stroked out two years ago proving to my middle son that i can still beat him in a race thru the bouncy house. Last weekend all three of my kids and my Wonderful Wife went. I went home.

                         Dropping off my family, waving at friends who'd I'd spent entire nights with the past few years was not as easy as I thought it would be. That feeling of being an outsider started solidifying as I saw quizzical looks and walked away...

                  I felt the spirtual funk as deeply as I've felt anything that night. 

                              Anyone noticing a pattern here? 

          Sunday morning I watched Charles Stanley before Church, while everyone was still sleeping.

       A tiny bit of funk disapeared.

          Our executive Pastor preached that morning about the four ways we should demonstrate Christ in our daily living and I did not feel better. He then quoted The Book of James where it states it's Gods job to make these changes in us, that our will is useless and our best is filthy rags. I would love to say that something clicked in my soul and I realized we all are really and truly alike and all the same in Gods eyes. 

         That didn't happen. I tried to believe. I tried to remember those long past weeks and years when that thought not only made sense to me but was an imbedded part of my spirit. I remembered those times but just could not pull off belief..

            Are we all really equeal in Gods sight? Are some better? Why do some shine and others fade if God loves us all equally? If he's doing the work, what the hell is taking him so damn long with me?

      Believe it or not, I was doing well four or five months ago...

           At least I felt like I was...

              So, today, this is my season. For all my doubt, It really isn't God I'm doubting. My frustration stems from a lack of control of my own Faith. Self will is not pulling my butt from the funk I've lovingly grown. Self will did not save me or ever make my life better. I write today about what I am living as if it is all I have. It is all I have, but not all God has. I remember the words to an old country song " I'm to the point of no return, but I've been here before" ...

       I have been here before, many times. Every single one of them God has cut thru my bullshit and straightened me out. Never on my timeline. Never in the way I planned. He has ALWAYS done it in his perfect time, without consulting me. His record is infinity-0, a perfect record.

       I am mad at God today. I am pissed off because this is the road I tredge, sometimes.

      I watch the good Christians and wonder why. I know their works and scriptural knowledge but that is God working in them, not them! Why doesn't he work like that in me?!?

      When I am spiritually well I actually get this and understand he has a plan for all of us, as personalized as the number of our hairs. I KNOW how this felt, this faith.

                                      Just not today.

            If you feel like it, please say a prayer. Maybe that I will grow up, stop whining and pull my own ass out of the fire. God will laugh at that one... Maybe just that his perfect will is done.

      That one sounds good.