Thankfully, God started pulling me out of it before things became that drastic.
It is remarkable that an outlook and attitude can change as quickly as it does sometimes.
This was not a quick change rated on my timeline, but in a reasonable persons view, it certainly could be considered so. As I kept asking my God questions in regard to my spiritual growth, thoughts kept going thru my mind as feelings went thru my heart...
" Have you done the things God has been guiding you to do?"
No.
Silence.
" Think there may be a correlation here?"
Maybe.
"Been ignoring these particular convictions long?"
Decades
" Been stuck a while?"
Longer than I care to admit.
"Are you tired yet?"
Yep.
"Tired enough?"
Getting there...
Sadly, this is not a new conversation in my mind. It has been going on since a few years after i was initially Saved. As most of you allready know, there were some crazy years post Salvation, dealing with emotional residuals that God, for His own reasons,chose not to remove at the time. He had me work thru these and a lot of other "collateral damages" I had caused that needed repair with family and friends.
With much of the wreckage of my past behind me, I was able to relax and breath a bit. I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, praying and listening. I felt a gentle nudge inside but chose to ignore it. Time passed and life went on. Gentle nudging became more pronounced as I began to realize that maybe I should head in the direction I felt pushed.
But I didn't....
Have you ever felt convicted to go in a certain direction that makes absolutely no earthly sense? Something that goes against your temperament, talent, financial feasibility and all personal skill-sets? Where every conceivable logical argument is firmly on the opposite side?
Have you ever, after arguing every single one of these points for consecutive decades, realized that the conviction was still present and would continue to haunt you until
you gave in and followed it?
It is not a good space to occupy.
My Wonderful Wife seems to think my arguments are flawed. She has a Faith in things like convictions and feels if pushed in a direction by God, you may as well just go with it.
I explain the unreasonableness of it all, the impossibility and futility...
...not to mention the fact it is something I really don't want to do...
I suppose that really is the biggest part of it all. I want to build things, machines and robots, write servo programs and put together 3d printers and scanners. This is the stuff that I wish to do. My life is presently situated so these things are happening. I am doing all these things I've wanted to do for the longest time. I am comfortable...
Like a Hobbit, I adore comfort. I dread leaving my comfort zone.
So, I can choose to move forward as I have done the last twenty years, free will and all. I just have to be willing to accept the consequences. I doubt God will love me any less for the road I choose, even if it is not the one I'm nudged toward. He will ask, though, when I stand before him why I ignored his direction. He will insure I know, in no uncertain terms, that all arguments I made were earthly and irrelevant to His will and power and that He knew all along that i knew better. I will be made painfully aware that all that he really wanted was for me to put my feet where he wanted them and results were never in my power or responsibility.
He just wants me to have enough Faith to place my feet a few steps forward.
Somewhere inside all of this insanity I have hesitantly begun to attempt moving my feet, a tiny bit..
Maybe I'm finally getting tired enough.
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