I'm thinking I should somehow set my own warning tonight. This post will not be in anyway inspirational or have any hint of redeeming quality. No actual Christian ramblings will be found.
I am lodged head first into a spiritual funk and don't even know if I want to leave...
That is the truest, most straightforward warning I can give.
Being a Christian has always been a struggle for me, from the first moment I was saved nearly a quarter of a century ago up too and including this present moment. I state how long I've been saved not for credit, but for context.
Don't get me wrong. I follow the Ten Commandments fairly well. In point of fact, the Ten Commandments don't give me any real problems, as originally written, as originanaly interpretted.
I really want to feel good about that, and if I were Jewish, that would be appropriate.
It's the new standards that Jesus brought that are kicking my big old butt...
I will get into that a little bit later. Don't worry, there's no giant Scarlett letter or murder confessions coming, just constant( seemingly, not neccasarilly actually) fighting with the spirit that I am supposed to have... Like I said, I'll get back to that later...
Right now, let's start with how I choreographed this wonderful funk.
It started with a simple, stupid and easily dodged resentment that I allowed to bloom, fester and grow. Our Church has been doing Men's Ministry studies for...ever, I guess, and I took part in the last three. They were great and I started building some pretty good relationships with the men in our Church thru them. This time, I put my panties in a wad over how the groups were chosen..
I could have pretended to be an adult and mentioned my dislike in a respectful way or simply questioned why they chose the way they did. Pay attention here because this is me planting the funks seed. I said nothing. I didn't join this year although most of my friends did and I made silly excuses for not going. The crazy thing is, halfway thru the series this time I remembered they had chosen groups the EXACT same way a year or so ago and I had absolutely no problem with it then and it actually worked out great for me. In that series I progressed further with friendships than all the ones before.
So I knew I was petty and wrong. That didn't matter, I had watering to do.
A month ago or so they did a Men Advance. Most of the men in our Church got together on a Saturday ( that I had off ) to bond and help each other to be better Christians, husbands and fathers.
By then my " uniqueness" started sprouting. I began questioning if I really belonged with them. Feelings of inadequacy blossomed and I became intimidated by their level of commitment.
I started thinking that maybe being the guy in the back chair that no one really knows might be best for everyone. I'll show up, listen and my Wonderful Wife and kids will build their connections.
I'd stay on the outside, because, you know, I really have this under control now...
Somewhere during all this, in the last few months, we have had many of our Church elders pass away. Our Church has been going thru a long season of grief and it has been uniting them in their sorrow and happiness for the ones they loved going to see Jesus. I have been going to our Church for nearly fourteen years and I never knew these men. None of them had ever introduced themselves to me in all that time. It made me wonder why these pillars of our Church never spoke to me. In my self centered state, what pulled everyone else together had me doubting my belonging.
I love and adore my kids. The imprint of how short a time I really have WITH them while they still want to be with me is always present in my soul. I know how short a window that it really is. I promised myself long ago not to let a single opportunity pass to be with them, having fun.
Our Church has a " lock in" at the YMCA every year, where the kids stay up all night swimming ,playing dodgeball, basketball and racing in a giant bouncy house. I have been at the last three or four with them and was able to hang with friends I'd made. It is an amazing blast and i nearly stroked out two years ago proving to my middle son that i can still beat him in a race thru the bouncy house. Last weekend all three of my kids and my Wonderful Wife went. I went home.
Dropping off my family, waving at friends who'd I'd spent entire nights with the past few years was not as easy as I thought it would be. That feeling of being an outsider started solidifying as I saw quizzical looks and walked away...
I felt the spirtual funk as deeply as I've felt anything that night.
Anyone noticing a pattern here?
Sunday morning I watched Charles Stanley before Church, while everyone was still sleeping.
A tiny bit of funk disapeared.
Our executive Pastor preached that morning about the four ways we should demonstrate Christ in our daily living and I did not feel better. He then quoted The Book of James where it states it's Gods job to make these changes in us, that our will is useless and our best is filthy rags. I would love to say that something clicked in my soul and I realized we all are really and truly alike and all the same in Gods eyes.
That didn't happen. I tried to believe. I tried to remember those long past weeks and years when that thought not only made sense to me but was an imbedded part of my spirit. I remembered those times but just could not pull off belief..
Are we all really equeal in Gods sight? Are some better? Why do some shine and others fade if God loves us all equally? If he's doing the work, what the hell is taking him so damn long with me?
Believe it or not, I was doing well four or five months ago...
At least I felt like I was...
So, today, this is my season. For all my doubt, It really isn't God I'm doubting. My frustration stems from a lack of control of my own Faith. Self will is not pulling my butt from the funk I've lovingly grown. Self will did not save me or ever make my life better. I write today about what I am living as if it is all I have. It is all I have, but not all God has. I remember the words to an old country song " I'm to the point of no return, but I've been here before" ...
I have been here before, many times. Every single one of them God has cut thru my bullshit and straightened me out. Never on my timeline. Never in the way I planned. He has ALWAYS done it in his perfect time, without consulting me. His record is infinity-0, a perfect record.
I am mad at God today. I am pissed off because this is the road I tredge, sometimes.
I watch the good Christians and wonder why. I know their works and scriptural knowledge but that is God working in them, not them! Why doesn't he work like that in me?!?
When I am spiritually well I actually get this and understand he has a plan for all of us, as personalized as the number of our hairs. I KNOW how this felt, this faith.
Just not today.
If you feel like it, please say a prayer. Maybe that I will grow up, stop whining and pull my own ass out of the fire. God will laugh at that one... Maybe just that his perfect will is done.
That one sounds good.
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