I can almost hear him laugh...

           So, as i shared earlier, I had decided to move my feet where God might want them. I realized it was just one step forward on a long road and that I should pace myself in any motions i would make. As I began research on future schooling,  I breathed easily, with the calmness of someone who's mind was at peace. No rush. No pressure.

       This is what I was feeling yesterday, happy and blessed as I came home from work.

           My Wonderful Wife told me as I came thru the door that she had received an e mail that was meant for me, from one of our Pastors informing me that a men's study on Discipleship was starting...in three hours.

         I read this with confusion and trepidation. I had been planning to take college courses on this exact same subject - in the future - with much more time to prepare (procrastinate?)...

                         I thought I heard someone laughing at my timeline...

                                           In fact, I'm nearly sure I did...

                                 Standing there, looking over my Wonderful Wife's shoulder, tired from work and anticipating some nearly deserved couch and t.v. time, I mentally weighed all the choices..

                           I found every justification to stay home. There were other dates and times...

                                 ... and I asked myself if God would rather my feet be resting gently on our hassock or lightly pressing on the gas pedal in my car, on the way toward our Church?

                               I remembered someone long ago telling me that what a man does today is a really good indication how they will act in the future..

                                                                  So I went.

                                                           It was a good choice.

                                My past has always held me back from service towards people. That and my struggle with sin. Who am I to try to share Gods gift of Grace when I look at what I have been?

                                 I am not one of the pretty people and I do not have that bright look of salvation in my eyes. It is in my heart, but hidden as i sit in the back of the room, in " the best seat in the house". 

                I struggle with obedience and often fail in the attempts. No Church pedigree, here.

                        I love our Pastors and am inspired every time that I hear them. I look and realize that in many ways, I am not like them. I cannot do what they do.

                                                  Recently I realized something else.

                  That God did not save me from a drunk and drugged up stupor so I could relax.

                                                 I really don't like this part...

                      I ask often why much better, kinder and smarter men and women with hearts much larger for service than mine have relapsed and died from this disease, or worse, never accepted recovery at all;  and why God chose me to have this gift of Salvation and recovery? 

                     For a while I thought it was to meet my Wonderful Wife. I saw my first, second and third sons born and thought it was because of them. Partially, that was all true.

                                 But do i believe those are the reasons why?

                                                       Not really...

                            I was delivered from addiction and alcoholism and saved for Gods glory.

                               He did this so I could proclaim His Love, His Forgiveness and His Grace.

                                      This life I occupy today really has nothing to do with me...

                ... and it is time to give up the chair in the back, the best seat in the house.

                                              I really don't like that either. Not at all, really...

                                    But I will do it. I don't have to like it. That is not a requirement.

                                                         But Obediance is...

                            So today I face a role that I have dodged for a very long time.

                                 Warts, flaws and all, moving forward. I have no clue how or even if God will use me. That is none of my business. I just need to put my feet where I think God wants them...