Been awhile...

                                                     I hit a bit of a dry spell. 

                                                  Maybe more of a tired spell...

                       Tired of the news, tired of the politics, tired of all the contraversy...

                                   Not knowing what to write because I don't know what to feel. I find myself getting lost in my own heart and my own brain.

                            So I did my best to not shut them down, but not keep them on one hundred percent charge, either... 

          Let them both " fade" in, get their respective grooves in sync.

                                Probably has something to do with missing Church three weeks in a row. That probably is not the cause, but a very big symptom.

                  Not really wanting to look deeper into those symptoms...

                                                  But I think I'm synced...

                                                              I think...

                             So let's jump into the pool where Angels fear to tread water..

                                    Lotta chatter about this Duggars thing.

                       My initial reaction to pedophiles is probably the same as most decent people out there. Cut off offending parts, toss them in prison and feel justified and vindicated in my judgement.

         Bring out the plethora of studies that strongly show that the recivitism is over ninety percent.

                      Given the opportunity, they will offend again...

                                               Helpless kids and evil, sick perverts.

                                   The math seems simple and results incontavertable.

                                                No brainier, by definition...

                                   But God rarely gives us those " simple" spiritual tests without tossing in a few " stickler points" to think about, agitate our hearts judgements and turn utter simplicity into something more chaotic...

                  Up front, if any of my children, any of my family was assaulted, I can assure you, all bets would be off. I would not be open to spiritual questions and heart cavitation...

                                             Pure vengeance, pure and simple.

                  I may or may not be proud of that reaction. I probably wouldn't care if I was right, or on the side of Angels, whether I was, or not...

                        But I'm not in the middle of it. Thank God, I am not in the middle of it...

                            I think about a fourteen year old boy assaulting a child much younger and my first reaction is " How the Hell could that happen?".

                        First thought goes to the child. Get them safe, get them help.

                            Pray God will give them as gentle of a healing, body, mind and soul, as He can, possibly Grace...

                                    Fourteen years old. Not quite sure how to deal with that...

                   Address the crime. Protect any who could be victimized, in the future..

                          Address the sickness, address the evil. Find out where he learned this behavior, and from whom...

                         There are States that toss kids like this into prison general populations, part punishment and part sacrifice. There was a time I would have pushed him in and turned the key, myself.

                                                                  Not today.

      I have absolutely no idea what the right answer is. I am almost certain that the above reaction is not it.

                     My heart and brain have found no sync on this one...

                  Sad thing is that whatever anybody suggests, there will be a large portion of me agreeing with them, and just as large of a piece, disagreeing...

                                           

                                          

                                        I don't believe in a cure. I know God can change hearts, but also am acutely aware that free will is never removed, as God adds His Grace...

                                As long as we are human, no gaurantees exist.

                                       And humans demand gaurantees...

                                           So my God box gets one more note.

           I pray for everyone. Everyone involved, everyone hearing of it and finds their hearts troubled.

                    Everyone certain they have all the answers and everyone,like me, who hasn't any of them...

                                   It is in Greater Hands than any here.

                              Not the courts. Not the media. Not those sure of how to proceed...

                      

                                        Like all else, it is in a Perfect Gods Hands, Who holds infinite hearts in His perfectly Graced fingertips...

                                   One of the reasons that terrible things like this happen, is to give us an opportunity to define our Belieifs, our Faith.

                                                   

                                                      Gods Law.

                                                     Mans law.

                                                     Gods Grace...

                                   As i sheepishly admitted earlier,I have no answers, just suppositions and coarse judgements.

                                   My brain never doubts, although it is often wrong.

                                    My heart struggles, but more often than not, is correct.

                                         Both are lost here...

                                              

Unrepentant sin...

                                                                   I am fat.

                                               The clinical term would be "Obese".

                      I'm OK with either word you use, because they are both words of fact...

                                And I never won an argument against facts.

                          That's not completely true. I have out talked, out shouted and used words bigger than my opponents to convince them that they had lost our argument. 

                I'd even managed to get some of them to concede and passionately believe my fictional diatribes...

                           But I didn't win, just bullied, intimidated or out- finessed...

                                                          No matter. 

                                                  The Truth always prevails.

                                                     God always prevails...

                                    I am fat ( obese) because I eat too much and excersize too little,

                                         Gluttony and Sloth, if the sins need naming...

                                            I have admitted (confessed) these, and still am somewhat owned by them. I use the word " somewhat" to minimize their influence.

                                                          " Somewhat" is a lie.

                                            They still got me, hook, line and sinker.

                                  Nobody wants to admit powerlessness. Especially Christians who have turned all their sins over to Jesus. We are given the strength, His strength, over Sin, when we claim it.

                             If we fail to let Him remove our Sins and keep returning to them, after a certain amount of time, we become deemed " unrepentant".

                                Not serious enough in our Faith and submission...

                                  Worse than non-believers, really...

                                              Because we know better.

                                          So, at best, I am a Luke-warm Christian, by many educated opinions.

                                   And luke warm is to be spit out...

                                                   It's true. I read " The Book".

                                          Sadly, I do not feel that I am alone, in this. I have looked across aisles in most every Church I've ever attended, and my shape usually fits somewhere in the middle of all shapes, present. Barring the few rare causative pituitary disorders, most of the rest, fit into descriptions like " sedentary" and " over-eating"...

                               So do we go to our overweight Brother or Sister, ourselves first, with two friends next, and Elders, after?

                   I mean, this Sin, this group of Sins, is easily measurable. It is obvious and can be medically diagnosed and separated from the diseases that cause obesity in spite of diet or excersize...

                                                           Rude, yes. 

                           But do we have a duty to point out " un-repentant" Sin, or not?

                              What makes this worse, is that most of Christian " un-repentance" is not nearly so obvious....

                               How many friends, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, still have nearly identical issues of anger ( Wraith), will spend nearly as much on their hair and clothes, than they put in the collection plate? (Greed, Vanity), still secretly think that their particular Sins are less important ( Pride)than those surrounding them, as when they turned their life and will to the care of Christ?

                      Maybe I'm the only one finding himself " Luke-warm", in truthful introspection.

                              I am one of these simple idiots that sees my own abundance of Sin, some un-repentant, and sheepishly, ashamedly, beggingly, lay plead that Jesus died for the people like me, also...

        The imperfect acceptors of His Healing, of His Deliverance and defiars of His Grace, sometimes, still...

                                 This was never about my body mass index, or anyone else's.

                                      This is about Christians judging other Christians sins...

                                The Sins we choose to remain powerless over, even though Jesus freed us from them, with His perfect, Substitionary Sacarafice.

                                    I acknowledge my imperfections, my disobediance, not because they are not terrible, because they are. 

                            I acknowledge them to be real, to be truthful, with a God Who Loved me enough to Sacrafice His Sinless and Perfect Son, for my Redemption...

                              This is about Christs Bride, made up of partial un-repentants, whether they admit it, or not...

                                                               Sin is Sin. 

                                          Un-repentant Sin is un-repentant Sin. 

                                                

                                             We acknowledge it, admit it, or not...

                                                            But it is true.

                                                       Truth always prevails...

                                                          As God does...

                    

                                        

Darwin's bullseye ...

             My three boys are outside the living room window, playing basketball, in the street.

   I can hear them laughing, yelling at each other and each dribbling their own ball, with the force of a Super Bowl spike...

                                               Good kids. Doing the right things...

                          

                                        I listen to the morning and evening news and seriously wonder how this world that should be full of things like kids playing basketball, could get so twisted into these headlines assaulting us, every day...

                                          Norman Rockwells paintings might have been overly optimistic, but I have to believe there is more truth in them about our nature, than in most of the crap that is happening "out there", in the televised newsreels.

                                   I cannot fathom that twenty miles south, people are murdered on a street like my children are playing on now, and that a short train ride away, a young cop was shot and killed in his car. 

              

                                                 A good cop. Doing the right things...

                                               I want to believe that we can fix this thing that is going on in the world, out there. I want to believe that the best in us, will prevail...

                                           Knowing that we can't, scares me.

                                Being a Christian, I never gave Darwin much credence. I don't believe my great granddad was a progressive monkey. Scientists and most modernists see me as lower than an illiterate Neanderthal because of my belief, but it doesn't take much impartial observance to realize we don't come from animals.

                                                        Animals don't hate... 

                                                      They got that over us...

                One generation in ( Biblically speaking. Darwinists would disagree..) and a human murders his brother. We could not even make it a full generation without turning Gods creation into a deadly weapon against one another.

                                        I'm sure in that same time period, a few lambs were eaten by some lions.

        Not a big deal. That is what they're  supposed to do. It is their nature, to kill, to feed.

                                      But we do it out of jealousy, out of frustration, out of hate...

                                              We do it sometimes just because we can.

                                Made in Gods image we think our nature is somehow superior, but it's not.

                                      Our nature is to be enemies of God and haters of His Glory.

                                             Our nature is less, because it contains evil...

                         I've seen traumatized dogs that only knew violence and could never be " un- traumatized" enough to be safe with humans, but they were not evil...

                                                        Just damaged by people..

                                   Look into the eyes of The Boston Bomber, mug shots of the 911 terrorists and maybe the animated brown eyes of Charles Manson.

                                                Tell me you don't see evil there...

                           The saddest part of this entire equation is that men and women were given the option, were given free will, were given a choice.

                                

                                          So I sit here listening to my children, playing.

                                             Men and women also are able to love, to work toward something bigger than themselves. They can be so much grander than they usually are...

                                     I have no clue how this world can work itself out. Maybe it can't...

                   But maybe we can all try to be a little bit grander, ourselves, and a little less hateful.

                                                 Christians would call that Gods Grace.

                                                 I don't know what Darwin would call it.

                                                           But let's give it a shot..

Sharp objects...

                      After a long day of lawn work, mower repair and garage purging, it became obvious to all in the immediate vicinity that I needed a shower... badly.

                     Alongside the days dinginess, was my long unshaven head. Usually I try to keep it reasonably clean shaven, because if I don't, I have to wear a hair net at work...

                                       Yes, if I have stubble, I need to wear a hair net...

                                  So, as I headed out of the kitchen, in the general direction of the shower, my Wonderful Wife gave me " the look" and told me that if I was shaving my head, I should be careful...

                       I have ridden icebergs in whitewater. I have jumped out of trees with a tarp tied to my wrists and ankles, attempting flight. I have tried jumping ravines with my bicycle, feeling an irrational security from the fact I could probably make it halfway across...

                             And she reminds me to be careful, shaving my head...

                             The sad point is, there is good reason for such concern...

                                                              Kind of...

                                           A few months earlier I was a bit aggressive in my attempt to not leave a little mustache of hair in the fold, in the back of my neck.

                    If you have sat behind me in Church, you know what I'm talking about. At work, it's a running joke, I never am able to get that bit, left in the " neck fold".

                                       So with a new razor, a strong wrist and more determination than common sense, I began smoothly, using the tips of my fingers to detect any follicles missed.

                 I don't know why, but I could not get everything. Being the proverbial bull in a china closet, I used the rationale that I was not using enough force on the razor.

                                                         Mistaken, I was...

                                               The blood did not stop like it used to...

                                     Generally, if I open up my skin with a sharp implement, by mistake, I grab a tube of superglue and take care of it. I have a tube in every tool box I own, in my car and multiple tubes hidden thruout my workplace...

                            About seventeen years ago, I put a three inch gash on my wrist, changing all five three foot dasher blades in an ice cream making barrel. It was a two man job and I was short the other dude, but it had to get done. 

                             So it got done and I left the production floor, covering my cut with a red shop rag. I went down to my box and trusty super tube, and self repaired...

                                My Wonderful Wife will not let me keep superglue in my side of the medicine cabinet for accidental gashes. She seems to think that significant injuries should be attended by a physician, not a bumpkin with dollar store Krazy glue five packs...

                                     So I came downstairs that day like nothing was wrong and that a blood dripping toilet paper pad was the new normal...

                                         MaryAnne did not really buy that.

                                 Eventually, she band aided me up, all the while wearing an unbelieving, quizzical look...

                                

                                

                                     

" Everywhen"...

                                 Of course, someone had to pull the starting rope, on this dusty old brain engine of mine...

                            One of our Pastors was speaking of the timelessness of Jesus, how He is as ageless and timeless as God, Himself.

                            The Trinity, The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, having no beginning or end, existing in every moment of time, concurrently...

                                 That does tend to get this old rusted cerebellum rotating.

                                       I like to ponder the unknowable. I don't know why, just an odd and perplexing hobby or habit I have. I just have to try " figuring it out"...

                                  In perusing this line of thought, something hit me like a baseball bat. Not one of those nice, cushy foam ones or a slender, yellow Whiffle Ball bat, but a solid oak, lead weighted home run bat; the kind of bat that will not meekly bounce off its target, but rather pounds straight thru it...

                       My head and my heart melded together in a horrific realization.

                    

                           I saw Jesus, eternally crucified, eternally beaten, eternally suffering our Punishments, for sins He did not commit...

                     When my Pastor coined the phrase " everywhen", to describe Jesus's perpetual existence thruout time, I don't think this was where he was heading...

               But my crazy neural pathways go where Angels fear to tread...

                                                   Silly neurons...

                                So, if Jesus is simultaneously existing in all moments, past, present and future, then He must be in each of those seconds of time, eternally..

                               An eternity before Adam, before The Fall, before sin existed, an ever present Christ would have been hanging on a cross for what Adam and the rest of us, would ultimately do..

                                Long after The Rapture, after both Heaven and Hell have claimed their eternal residents, He would still be hanging upon that cross...

                      Just as He will always be crushing The Serpent, always be swaddled in a makeshift crib in the manger and always be healing a leper...

                  Always be arising from the tomb, in defeat of sin and death...

                              

                           I don't know about you, but the idea of this really troubles me...

                                

                    That He loved us enough to suffer and die a substitutionary death for us was a difficult concept. The idea that He could love us each enough to do this even once, was hard to grasp...

                     But that He would do it in continuum, kind of shatters my mind...

                                                    Breaks my heart ...

                          It took years, almost a lifetime, to trade this guilt for Grace, believing that Jesus died only once for me. How can I process this? That at the same moment He is Ruler over all dominions, He is dying for my sin...

                                                             ....forever?

                                  

                                                         Talk about Grace...

       

                                                  This is why re-runs of Gilligans Island are the kind of mind fodder that suits me best.

                                      Theological wanderings hurt my head. 

                                     Theological wanderings tend to bruise my heart...

                         

                             Stuff like this seriously breaks me. Realizing that there is no possible way I can ever conceive how precious I am, and that we all are, to our Lord, our God...

                      That the Guilt I feel for His Sacrafice was included on the Cross...

                        That just like His Perfect Grace,understanding His inconceivable Love, I must also, take on Faith...

                               Admit that it is beyond my scope and surpasses my simple ken...

                                        and realize that I do not need to understand it all, in its entirety...

                                               ...just accept my Salvation, thru Him.

    

                                                                And stop thinking...

                                                       Mostly, just stop thinking...