It goes in spurts.
Sometimes things just build in my head and convince it to type all the crazy thoughts down, and then, some weeks, my brain just runs in a loop, around the well worn track that circles its inside.
I let my first blog die an unnatural and lonesome death. This one has lasted longer.
Lately, most of what I want to write is something I've written about before. I feel cursed with repetitive thought and un originality...
Then I remember that I'm not an artist performing, just a dad and husband, trying to live a reasonably decent Christian life.
I know, my goal should be much bigger, grander than that; I should be writing about great strides made in my walk with Christ...
But I guess I'm just not that kind of Christian.
We belong to an amazing, Bible based Church, led by men of knowledge, integrity and Grace. The leadership is always based on Scripture, always demonstrated thruout Gods Word, brought to us in context of the whole Book, not disconnected, non- contextual verses.
Painstakingly, they pour over the Bible...
Me, not so much...
I wish I were better at that. I wish I could trust my brain to not hijack my heart, with the knowledge it finds...
But I spent the majority of my life trying to get over or around; using my brain and all its faculties to "work around" all restrictions, resources and obstacles, to get whatever present pet "want" I was cherishing at that moment.
More often than not, given abundant information, nine times out of ten, the still, small voice inside of me is out shouted by rhetoric.
Maybe that's why it was the Tree of Knowledge, God forbade us from...
It is sad, that my noggin is in such direct opposition to my heart.
The heart almost always loses...
But an Amazingly Intelligent God, who knows every hair that used to be on my head, knows that for some, knowledge is power. Powerful enough to temp them into thinking that smart is better than kindness and intelligence is greater than humility.
I cannot be smart and humble, at the same time...
Our Church leaders can. My Wonderful Wife can. Sometimes, even my McMonkeys can...
But not me. That is just not going to happen. Ask anyone...
I'm sort of Cliff Claven-esque...
So God in His Wisdom, seems to have given up on my brain.
Smart God...
My heart has always been a problem for me. Most of the time it seems to match the Grinches, in an odd/not bad kind of way...
A little too small...
Not mean or malicious; not cold or calloused.
Just a little small, is all...
It's true. I took about a million question personality test, searching out areas where God has gifted me and in the section on service, I nearly got a goose egg. I scored just enough points to prove I have a pulse.
It's funny. When I feel touched, or see a need, sometimes it only seems natural to offer help, a prayer, a meal.
But that is a rarity, in the scope of things. Generally, my personality leans a very hard opposite, and I don't know why...
Maybe because as a child, my parents always thought there was subterfuge when I offered help. Of course, a lot of time, there was...
But not always.
And I think that sometimes, some of the deepest hurts can come when those we love can't comprehend an offer of service, without condition...
When they won't accept it, without compensating...
And in this line of reasoning, I have personally excelled.
I guess that would be defined as an absence of Grace. Not an absence of Gods Grace, but the type of Grace that accepts what is offered gratefully and unconditionally, in love.
I suppose the opposite of Grace is the feeling of debt, when accepting offered service, in love....
That's me.
Not that I'm ungrateful. Quite the opposite. Usually , I'm greatly touched and kind of overwhelmed, when someone thinks or does something, out of kindness, I'm just incompetent in reaction...
I try to appear Graceful, but I truly suck at that. You can literally see the specter of debt cover me, as I bumble out appreciations...
So I think I understand why God chooses to focus on my heart.
That's where the need is....
My grasp on His Words, really isn't that bad. I'm exposed fairly often to them.
Not a scholar, by any means, but I do get the general gist.
I'm thinking the concepts were meant for the lost and suffering, not rocket scientists, so much...
Truth be told, I would much rather work scholastically than emotionally, any day of the week. I do philosophical pretty well...
Relationships, emotional intimacy, dealing with people...
I would choose a pass, given the choice.
Probably why my votes not counted, when included in my prayers...
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