Stark raving sober, they say...
I had become clean and sober the same day that I was saved. But of course, the residuals remained.
I've shared before that I was pretty messed up still, after accepting Jesus.
A lot of unresolved issues, anger, frustrations and depression... Deep enough to contemplate some of Shakespears darker questions...Dark enough to get all the wrong answers...
In another year and a half I would spend an extended vacation in an institution, going from small group to my psychologist , to another small group, to one on one with a psychologist, then small group and one on one with my psychiatrist , again...
For my whole stay there..
Like I said, sometimes God leaves residuals for us to deal with...
This part transpired about a year and a half before the happy hotel stay...
At three and a half years sober, or so...
I was doing my best to convince a young lady (Actually, she was about eight years older than me- but calling her an old lady probably would not have been taken complimentarilly) that I would be good boyfriend material. She was on the fence about that, and wouldn't give me a definate answer either way...
So when she offered to bring me to go get my horoscope chart done, I went with her.
I wasn't going to Church or actively involved with any Christians.
She was pretty.
I would get a few hours alone with her on the ride there and back...
Of course I said yes...
I sat with a sweet old lady named Ruth. She took a lot of information about birthday, birth times and of course, birthplace.
There was a lot of gobbily gook and then she looked troubled and sad...
She predicted an extreme amount of pain and confusion would fill my life.
Something about a Pisces sun sign/ Scorpio moon...
And that the lesson I needed to learn in this life was how to let go with grace and dignity, of what I loved most...
She sadly stated that I would probably never learn that. Something again to do with a Pisces sun and a Scorpio moon...
Fast forward twenty some years...
I don't read the horoscope these days. Haven't for decades...
The residuals have been removed now, thru the Grace of God and with the help of a lot of clinicians, friends and 12 step groups that I'm sure He set in my path, in His perfect timing...
It's kind of funny, the space I'm presently in. My youngest son is nine years old and my oldest parent is almost eighty. My mom is in her seventies...
My boys are getting older and just like when they were learning to ride a bicycle, I'm once again learning to let go...
Letting go...
It seems that almost the entirety of lifes existence has been filled with this.
Letting go of childhood toys. Letting go of the magic of Santa Clause and the Easter bunny.
Letting go of antiquated angers and resentments, frustrations and dissolutions...
Letting go off who we thought we would be. Letting go of the parents we thought ours should have been and the ideas we created in our minds of the parents we would eventually be...
Coming to grips with the fact that almost every preconceived notion about life that we pictured in our tiny little minds would become much larger and more complicated and entirely different than we originally believed...
Letting go of those we've loved that left us too early and to the words still carried in our hearts that we wished we said to them...
I remember an old saying I heard in A.A.
" Anything I ever let go of, had claw marks"..
I still find it difficult to " let go"....
The truth is that every single thing I ever tried to let go of never happened because I was emotionally ready and gracefully opened my fingers...
Nothing, absolutely nothing, not grief or anger or any character defect has ever left me because of my own self will or decision...
Every single thing I struggled with left, not because I let go of it, but because a Gracious God chose to remove it...
I never learned to let go of what I love with grace and dignity.
I probably never will.
Those are Gods Dominion. They are His attributes.
The wonderful thing about this is that I don't have to...
Whether it is the inevitable maturing of a child or a chronic physical decline of a parent, God does the work and we provide the willingness.
Sometimes we don't even have to do that. We just show him our need and give Him permission to enter our life and change us. We ask him to ignore our will at those times we can't stop it ourselves...
A Gracious God will not force Himself on us... He will let us decimate our lives, if we refuse to ask for his assistance...
But a Loving God will replace our self will with healing, even if we do fight it; if in a moment of desperation and clarity, we invite Him in and ask Him to supersede our insanities...
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