I said the "A" word...

         I was engaged once before I met my Wonderful Wife. Actually, twice, but to be fair one of those  times didn't count. That one was to a McDonalds night manager in a local town whom I had been dating and it happened during a black out of mine. Done with a ring from a bubble gum machine I have been told, and supposedly I had went thru quite a few dollars worth of change to get it. She thought it was cute and said yes. That bender continued for quite a while and somewhere in between I not only forgot about the proposal but actually forgot we had been dating. My friend Joe who introduced us called me during one of my sober lapses and explained the whole dating/ proposal situation. He said it had been weeks since and I was an idiot and an inconsiderate &$@- hole and he would never introduce me to anyone again. Properly chastised, I suggested he and I hit the local dive and have a drink. He agreed and we did. The subject never came up again.

      I think you would agree that this one shouldnt count...

               But the one that did count, that is another story...

                   I had just left the Navy and had been sober for about seven months. Of course I was not doing any of the things suggested to me by my last sponsor and met Crickett in a bar.

     I was twenty three and she was twenty one. I liked her a lot until she had the D.J. play " In the Navy" by the Village people. She lost a lot of points on that one. Note to all single women interested in current or former Navy personnel - Don't do this.. It needs no explanation. She was cute so I gave her a second chance. I'm still glad I did.

                      We hung out a lot and I met her son Austin. He was a great little kid, eleven months old, wild and adorable. I made the trip from Schuylerville N.Y. to Bennington Vt. twice a day for a long time, and it became serious quickly. The trips back and forth were fewer between as I stayed in Vermont more often and for longer periods. We spoke of marriage and I bought a ring. One night, I proposed and she said yes. Austin's father was not in the picture and I was going to adopt him. We had a nice little family.

           Crickett had been living with her mother and an apartment on the other side of the duplex she lived in opened up, second floor. We rented it and moved in. I was painting houses for a contractor at the time and we were doing O.K. financially . Austin seemed to be on my shoulder most of my waking, non working moments. I fed him, changed him and I put him to bed after his mom kissed him good night. When he woke up crying at night, I would get up, go to his crib and take care of him. He layed his head on my neck and would fall into a slumber whispering " da da" before he would finally doze off...

            Things changed about six months later. Crickett and I argued more and she said if we were arguing this much, maybe we shouldn't get married. Hurt, I said fine. I suggested she give me the ring back..

        Note to all engaged men arguing with your fiancé. Don't do this. It needs no explanation. Maybe for men it does, as we tend to be a little slow on the emotional uptake, but I'm not going to go there now. Just take my word for it. I promise, you will be glad you listened...

       It took her awhile but she did take off the ring. It turns out sometimes there's no going back from that statement. A week later she moved across the duplex to her moms apartment again. We tried to work it out but never could get past that day. She got a job cleaning houses and I watched Austin during the days I was off. I remember the last day I took care of him. He was the most sweet and well behaved I had ever seen him, as If he felt if he behaved well enough, it would go back to how things were. This normally bulldozer-ish child was quiet and clinging and would not let me anywhere out of his sight. When Crickett came to pick him up I offered to still adopt him. I know it sounds crazy but I loved him like  he was already my son. Crickett just started crying, took Austin from my shoulder and walked out the door...

      At night I would hear him across the Sheetrock wall that separated the duplex, that separated his nursery from my living room. The wall that separated me from this boy I desperately wanted to be my son.

      I heard his mom go into the room and try to quiet him and heard her cry as he cried out " da da".

                I really will get to the "A" word and past this backstory. It's just going to take a little more time...

                I would like to say I took this stolicly and philisophicly. 

                                                             I didn't.

                           I get a little verclemmped when I hit this part of the story, so let's just say John Wayne, I wasn't.

                     I visited my uncle a few weeks later and the first thing he said was that if I had adopted Austin, I would be paying child support for another seventeen years. Thankfully, I had passed that stage in my life were I reacted violently. I just stared. He never said those words again.. I swore I would never go thru these feelings again, never would I even think about the concept of...

                                        O.K. , time for the "A" word...

                 A while ago my Wonderful Wife and I have decided we wanted to adopt.

            It started with a foster mom we knew looking for someone that might take in 3 or 4 siblings that were going to be separated. I saw the look in my Wonderful Wife's eyes. I looked around at our old house as I pictured my children separated between different foster homes and realized a crowded 130 year old home is better than brothers and sisters pulled apart, without their mother or father.

                                  I said " We could do that."

               We have been going thru the foster parent training ever since.

                      Feelings have been coming up that I haven't thought about or felt in a very long time.

               I have spoken of Austin maybe twice since I've known my Wonderful Wife. I remember him taken from my arms that day and I choke up a little as I realize some of these feelings are still very real and still a bit raw. I haven't allowed myself to think of him for a very long time.

        Today I can't stop thinking of him...

             I watched our neighbors heart break as a child she was sure she would adopt was given back to her birth parents and wonder if I'm strong enough myself to walk thru that again and I realize that I'm defineatly not.

           That is my saving Grace...

                   Today I know I am weak enough to walk thru that, if that is the path God sets before us.

        I could never be strong enough, even with my Wonderful Wife beside me. I do know now that my weakness allows Jesus to carry the burdens I could never shoulder, that we could never shoulder without Him. However this goes will be Gods will.

       At this moment I am looking up at the photo album on our top bookcase shelf, fifth one to the left.

       It has pictures from my old Navy days, and somewhere sandwiched between those pages are photos of Austin. 

        I won't take them down today. I will stare at the album, though..