So, at 10:20 a.m., Sunday morning, we walked into the Bowtie theatre in Wilton and ordered the giant popcorn and two humongous Mountain Dews. He was constantly watching me, unsure, " What are we going to tell Mom?" he kept asking...
My Wonderful Wife and I generally forbid soda from our kids. Birthdays and very special occasions excluded, they do not drink soda and when they do, it is only one very small glass. Popcorn has not been an option for the past few years, as all three boys have had expanders in their mouths and have needed to remain popcorn free. Recently, Stephen had his expanders removed, but we still stayed away from popcorn, because of his brothers and tantrum avoidance.
You can understand his reticence and confusion...
" I will tell her we had soda and popcorn at the movies" I said. He would not get into any trouble. I told him that sometimes fathers and sons just had to do crazy things together and as the dad, I would take all the heat. He looked at me like I was insane but also like I was the bravest man alive.
We watched the movie, emptied the giant popcorn tub and drained our sodas.
After that we hit Hallmarks in the mall and picked up two birthday cards for his grandmother.
If we go back half a week, we have a completely different story.
For the past five or twenty years or so, I have been wanting to do the polar plunge. Either I was out of state, working, or would just completely forget, but I always missed it. This year, my hours are different and the timing worked out perfectly. Last year I almost made it, but it became way to much of a rush to get there. This year, there was no excuse...
I would like to say no excuse, but the truth is I was a little unsure. A bit nervous. Thoughts entered my head like " You know you could actually have a stroke or go into shock. Your not nearly as young and idiotic as you were in your teens when you rode icebergs in the whitewater. It is freezing outside. You might chicken out...etc. etc. etc."
Our youngest son Jacob ran up to his grandfather the same instant these thoughts were bombarding my mind and half screamed " Daddies going up to be a polar bear and jump in the lake!"
The kids all laughed and bounced off the walls as my father stonily gazed across the room to the chair I was sitting in and said " Only stupid people jump in the lake in the winter".
A little backstory...
My dad was raised in the camps in Poland and Germany in World War two. He learned to keep his head down and never take a risk. Survival was dependent on those two things. Unfortunately, seventy years past that and he still lives those lessons like they were yesterday.
He never had a dream. As a child, I would often ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up, when he was a child. He would ignore me no matter how often I asked. I have asked him again in recent years, recent months and still get the same answer...stone cold silence.
Growing up I came up with a dozen jobs I would want to have. He said they were all too hard, took to much training. Machinist. Truck driver. Welder. Electrician. Mechanic. The list went on and on.
A dozen years ago or so I looked back at my resume and found out that all those things that were so impossible, that took people smarter than me, were all positions I had held and done well.
I spent three quarters of my life proving him wrong.
Like I said, it's been a dozen years since that revelation and in those years I realized how much more I wanted for us as father and son.
I wanted to go places that would excite him and see things that brought back the child in him. I wanted to know the man behind the stony gaze, behind the lessons learned so well. I wanted to hear stories of first loves, giant dreams and of reaching to far..
I wanted to watch him jump into a lake in the winter.
I am finally learning that these places just do not exist..
They never did...
My dad never had the luxury of dreaming, and when it did become possible, plausible...he was already too well trained..
That is just the way life goes, sometimes.
Enough of the backstory.
I heard the words he spoke about stupid people and cold lakes and knew I had to go. No more excuses, no more second thoughts. My dad will never understand his lunatic son but his grand kids do. They understand sometimes it is required to be a little nuts, sometimes a little controlled and fenced in chaos is good for your soul and confirms the fact you are a ridiculous human being and completely alive.
I hope they learn my two lessons well.
I love my dad and have so much respect for him..and regret...
I will keep asking about his dreams although I'm fairly sure the answer will always remain the same. I will continue to do crazy things every now and then to rejoice in the freedoms and love God has granted me...
It was funny though, when I came back thru the door after parylyzing my entire body and freezing my nether regions, I walked into our living room and my dad was sitting there. His eyes had lost that stony gaze and I saw a spark of... laughter?...happiness ?...joy?....In HIS eyes...
The kids excitedly told him about my chilling escapades and he listened intently, almost like he wished he had been there...
Like I said, I will keep asking..
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