Thursday, January 9, 2014

Right sized.

                                       For a long time A.A. was my only " Church".
I went there six or seven times a week and a lot of times twice a day. This went on for more than twelve years.
                I bring this up because one of the suggested steps( step 4) is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the EXACT nature of our wrongs ( Step 5).
                 The whole purpose of these steps were to get an honest evaluation of exactly who we were. Who we had been, who we were becoming.
                             Think about the immensity of this terror. An honest, unvarnished record of the who you REALLY are. Looking into the depth of any soul, generally is not a pretty sight but into one that had been owned by addiction and all that comes with it? Stepping past all that posturing and beyond the show makes most of us cringe in shame and terror...
                    This was suggested to be in writing. Think about THAT list, of all the things you don't or didnt want anyone to know, all those dark secrets kept, sins committed or sins of right actions we conveniently omitted to do because of fear or apathy. Right things not done because of envy or jealousy...
          Then to sit down with some person of your choosing and before God and that person, you read every detail written, every dishonest intention. You allow someone to know the real you..
                  Diligently done with brutal honesty, this does create change.
                              It is a necessary step to become "Right-sized"
             An old management mantra states that you cannot manage what you cannot measure.
                                          It is certainly a truism here.
                    In some ways this further broke me. It made me much smaller in my own eyes. That is a good thing.The amazing thing that it also brought was a commonality and brotherhood with humanity. Uniqueness began to disappear...
            I have done this many times, with many people. A few times as the one speaking those uncomfortable written words, but many more times as the one blessed listening. Stockbrokers and stumblebums, felons and highly respected Church members, I was blessed to be chosen sometimes in those years often enough to see one amazingly simple and consistent fact.  We were all the same. We are all the same....
          It has been many years since the last time I experienced this. I left that program not because I didn't love it or believe in it. I left because I did.
                  Common welfare of 12 step groups is the first priority. Kind of like Spocks speech in the "Wraith of Kahn" " The good of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one".
        Like any group of humans, factions form. Some are straight traditionalists while others are more progressive. Ideally they co-exist and find a happy middle ground...
        Unfortunately, ideals are theoreticaly easy, yet functionally a rarity among most of us...
             So, the primary purpose, to help others achieve sobriety became diluted on many different sides. Some pushed rehabs and counseling while others held fast to the Bible based 12 steps of recovery and the "Big Book" and twelve traditions, already written.
       Newcomers came in the door and instead of being welcomed, focused on and helped, they sat thru entire meetings of arguments and debate on how they "Should" be helped. I have seen a newcomer get up and walk out in disgust, never to come back, never to sober up.
         I wish I could say I saw this happen only once and that I was not a participant in the incessant debates that caused it. Both of those statements would be outright lies and I was speaking of brutal honesty...
      The truth is, this happened often. I was a debater, looking out for the common good, I told myself.
      I tried to shut up and prayed for the ability to not counter what I disagreed with. I'm quite certain the people on the other side of the aisle did the same.
       I spoke with sponsors, old timers and trusted friends. Exactly how do I deal with this?  A myriad of answers came but none seemed correct. I continued to pray.
              I realized that this characteristic would probably never change in me. I could not remain silent  when i felt truly convicted , even if opening my mouth contributed to the fiascos that drove new members out...
                                                            Ouch.
                   I certainly was not the only one in these philisophicle free for alls. It had become part of the culture of these groups and I found myself completely powerless to change the direction we were all heading. I felt powerless to change my own direction...
                It did me no good. It did the group no good. It hurt the newcomer.
                                                    I had to go.
                                 My leaving would not and did not fix anything. I am sure the debates still rage on, but in-between all the insanity, people are still recovering. Families are still being brought back together and many now know a new freedom they never before dreamt of. Amazing things happen in those rooms and rarely a week goes by inside them without people witnessing miracles of recovery or reconciliation.
            Most of the important lessons I learned occurred in those hallowed basements.
           I did not leave to fix them. I left because it was necessary for peace in my own soul.
                The hundred thousand dollar question. Where would I go?
         From day one people are taught in the rooms of recovery that you cannot stay sober outside of AA. It is more often true than not.  I have personally witnessed parades of people with significant time sober leave the rooms and attempt sobriety themselves. Most relapsed and came back. Relapsed and didnt come back. Some never regained sobriety again and died drunk and forgotten.
               AA was all I knew. I was terrified...
                     So I went to Key West. I spent time in prayer and was graced with peace and faith enough to lose the fear that had overwhelmed me. I realized that God had never abandoned me.
  His track record was flawless although mine was not....
        I came home when the time was right and I was ready for the next phase God had planned.
           I have by the Grace of God, stayed clean and sober in a different Church. The Church that we attend. The Church of friends and family we love, whether they attend our chosen place of worship or not. The Church of family and common faith and Grace at meals.
             As life grows around you and responsibilities pull from all directions, you find both how small and powerless you really are and another amazing contrast.
      You find how much you really do matter in this life, to those you touch and how irreplaceable living in love makes you.
   You become right sized in a different way...
       A better way..
          

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