Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A Box of Rain and a side of Grace...

                                                Some days I wish I were just a little brighter..
                                             One of the hardest things to admit, as a Christian, for me, has been the simple phrase " I don't know "...
                            It can feel as if I have somehow abandoned my Faith, when i don't have complete certainty about every single belief I carry...
                                   If, after all my studying and praying, and seeking council from Godly men and women, I'm still unsure, it is tempting to just "fake it"...
                                       To not trust my heart and the Graced discernment it has been granted, in favor of an interpretation that doesn't quite seem correct...
                                 Rather than leave it unanswered, and put it in my "God box"...
                                          An example of what fills my "God box"?
                       Everything from where children's souls go that haven't accepted Christ, when they die, to why certain people are Graced, when others aren't...
                     Why I am fat, dumb and happy in upstate New York, when innocent babies starve to death unnoticed, half a world away...
                                                       Half a county away...
                                      Why Jesus chose me, to choose Him...
                                     I'm not doubting the plan, I'm just not understanding it...
                      The philosophy is easy. Theoretically, it makes perfect sense...
                                                              But humanly?
                                It's been said " that only with the heart, can we see rightly".
                                   My heart seems to be missing it, when it comes to this. My brain gets it, and can separate the hearts confusion into a hidden, separate compartment that is easily ignored. I can "out think" most of the questions...
                         But in a real way, they never get answered. 
                                               Not yet, anyway....
                              It would be easier still, to just get angry and judgemental over all that bothers me, when it bothers me.
                     Blame God... Blame the government... Blame any who has harmed another, purposefully or accidentally...
                        Unfortunately, I have enough knowledge to know that won't work.
                                                   So rather than judge...
               Maybe a better way to say this, a little more honest way,  is that when I choose to judge...
             I know I'm not supposed to judge, but I do. The best Im able to do, is to change the criteria that I choose to judge upon...
                       So today, if I find myself demanding the right to preside over those caught in an imperfect humanness, identical too my own, I remind myself to try to be kind....
                                          ... And to err on the side of Grace..
                          
                              I realize there are answers, but they just won't be given to me.
                                     I think the best way for me to err on the side of Grace in all ways, is to simply put the questions, judgements and all, into Gods box...

                             "And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there,
                                     Believe it if you need it, or leave it if you dare"

                                                              Grateful dead

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