My passion was charging windmills, attempting impossibilities and getting back up laughing, ready to do it again...
God took those qualities from me long ago. No explanation given.
He took them i think to protect me and because if He hadn't, I would have kept getting back up, fighting Him. He needed to break me or I would die fighting...
Of course His plans were longer term than mine.
So in defeat, I gave up being who I was and became something with less strength but more faith. I lost trust in my own resilience but gained much more in His...
Quietly, I resented that. I accepted it and even understood it, but always retained a little bit of anger that the best part of me was taken, in a spiritual amputation...
Recently, that part of the old Hank temporarily returned...
So why now?
I have no clue.
Except that maybe, many years later, I realize that the strength I had then was always His, and that the ability to rise for another round was not of my own reserve.
Perhaps the best of me, that I lost was His, all along...
Maybe he graced it to me for a reason, back then, a reason that I ignored and polluted with pride and self will...
Could it be a loving Father took it for a season, a very long season, while slowly growing the traits and views and beliefs more important?
He knows I'm not any smarter, today. I'm not any braver or stronger or better.
Truth be told, I am much less now than I have ever been.
It may have returned for only a moment, a remembrance of times long past...
A reminder...
Like I said, I have no clue.
This is Gods deal.
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