Sunday, March 15, 2015

Feels like home...

                                Last night, I went to my first A.A. Meeting in thirteen years..
                         I wanted to simply walk in, sit in the back row and just say " Thank you"...
                             Its been a couple of twenty four hours in a row, sober now...
                                 So I left my family watching " Night at the Museum, Secret of the Tomb" and drove half a mile down the road to a familiar Church parking lot. As I stepped out of my car, i thought i heard a voice whisper into my head. " Your not going to be sitting in the back row tonight. Your going to chair the meeting.."
                I laughed out loud, the kind of laugh that God seems to enjoy hearing. I knew that voice in my thoughts and hadn't heard it say those words in quite some time...
                                           But of course I had to test Him...
                                                   Just for old times sake...
                               So I walked thru the archway, turned right and looked around a room that hadn't really changed much, in these many years. It took a few seconds, but I saw a few familiar faces, from many years past. Some I couldn't put names to, but one or two, I could.
                                      So of course, I sat in the back, with my arm resting on the chair next to me, taking it all in...
                                          An old friend and a lady i know both walked over, smiling and congratulating me on an anniversary I was celebrating that day. My Wonderful Wife had posted it on Facebook, it seems...
                             It was nice, being back around people who " get" the sobriety thing. We talked for a while and I sat back down, in one of the back rows. The two of them and another man came over minutes later and explained that the person who was originaly supposed to chair the meeting, did not show up. 
                                                          " Would I ?" they asked.
                          In this coincidence, I don't think God stayed very anonymous...
                                                      Not from me, anyway..
                                        There are very few places in this world that I feel comfortable surrounded by people. I'm not the kind of guy who does front and center well.
                                                     But this was home.
                             For a little over an hour, it was just like it was, back then...
                                                   Just like it used to be...
                                        
                                                         I love my Church.
                                         They have taught me much over the last thirteen years. My spiritual condition has certainly improved and maybe actually flourished at times, in attendance.
              I have spent weekends away with the men in our congregation, sharing emotions and experiences of being dads and fathers. Many mornings, I have had breakfasts with my mentor, who is basically the same as a sponsor. I have shared with him the exact nature of my wrongs and sought his guidance in making amends and living better, closer to Gods Will.
             The steps of A.A. are all based on Biblical Principals that can be followed outside its rooms.
                                                 But it's not the same...
                            My Church mentor never experienced the depravity and despair I have. He is not powerless over alcohol and never had to fight and be beaten by it, to put it down.
                             He understands the concepts of addiction and he knows the spiritual answer as well as any sponsor I've known...
                                                      But he hadnt lived the disease....
                                For years I've been trying to crack the code, during study groups and sermon reviews, on different nights. I remember once, looking around my Church and thinking what I really, really needed was to see an actual miracle. I realized then, just how long it had been since I had seen someone walk into a room broken and become sober...
                 Something I saw almost every week, years ago, when I attended A.A...
                               I love my Church and hope someday to feel as comfortable in it, with all it's members , as I do walking into a room of recovering alcoholics that I haven't met yet...
                                             It is not them. It is most assuredly me.
                                                        It is most assuredly, us...
                                          A.A. does not need me. For all the time I've been absent, it's done quite well. Just as my Church doesn't " need" me...
                                        Either one flourishes with or without my attendance...
                               I'm just a tongue chewing, pants pissing drunk who God chose to send His children, both in and out of the rooms, to guide into a better way of life.
                                                For years, my only " Church" was A.A...
                                         Eventually, because it is not a Church, and it's primary purpose is to help alcoholics achieve sobriety, I had to find a place to concentrate on my Christian beliefs.
                     Religion is not a controversy newcomers need to be confused with.
                              It is a spiritual program with no particular denomination. Most people coming thru the door don't need to hear debates on God...
                                       A lot of them are not fond of Him, or even acknowledge His existence. That's O.K., that's how the program is designed...
                                     Not a Church, but a fellowship...
                                       It has taken a long, long time for me to separate the two enough, that I can attend both, for what they are, and more importantly, for what they are not...
                                                   I love my Church.
                                           I have never stopped loving A.A...
                                                      I belong in both...
                            Last night I did not just see two miracles that chose sobriety; I witnessed an entire roomful of them, each at different places on a common journey..
                                                That is the magic of A.A....
                            We are all daily miracles of equal value, in these rooms we share...
                                     I spent a little over fourteen years exclusively in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, before leaving it. They saved my life and sanity as God saved my soul.
                      God walked with me in both Church and the rooms ; as a father, I realized that my children needed to learn of a Loving, Gracious God that held them in great value. I met him first in a way I am eternally grateful that they will not need to...
                           I met Him as a destitute, sloppy and hopeless drunk.
                         They have met Him in our Church,  and possibly may sidestep this disease, with His help.
               Perhaps they may learn a little less painful way to maintain their spiritual condition, than I needed to...
                                  So I will continue going to Church for what it does for my children, my Wonderful Wife and for me...
                                    I hope and pray that I am the last of my lineage to need A.A...
                                                  but for me, it feels like home...
                                                       It feels like home...






No comments:

Post a Comment